I'm only happy when it rains.

4th Febuary 2010

2010-02-04T21:36:00.002+08:00

On coming to this page, I totally forgot what I wanted to write about.

Well, lets start by, "Wow, Jing Ni reads my blog." That's big shock. Didn't know she read. I wonder who else reads, maybe Aaron, coz' of Jing Ni, maybe Hui Min reads my blog. Hui Min, if you're reading this, please forgive my bastard of a friend Cassandra who told you that I thought you were cute. Well, maybe you are cute, but that makes it so hard to look you in the eye and say,"Hi."

I have discovered my best topic in CS Lim's Advanced Physical Chemistry. Solubility Equilibria. Yes. I know how to do it. I think CS Lim is related to CS Lewis coz' they really have powerful monsters in their brain that they set out on to paper, one in the form of monsters in his novels and one in the form of Gibbs-Helmholt's equation in my coming exam paper. They tend to dwell a lot on important but irrelevant stuff as well.

Seriously, "I'm sorry" and "I know I ought to think about it" doesn't impress very well on me as a I was extremely angry with him story.

Yay, more and more people are going to the Dinner and Dance. I hope it'll be like fun. Maybe we can all go to a bar or a club after that and partayy. I'm going to be like Bruce Wayne, come in with plenty of chicks by my side. The 007 in me is smiling already. Its only Karen and Teri, but I'll be glad what-so-ever.

I'm angry with Gillian now. That has stopped abruptly my train of thoughts and thus I shall have to continue some other day.

Valentine's Day Soon.

2010-01-31T23:52:00.002+08:00

Valentine's Day is coming soon, maybe I'll give everybody a little something this year! like that thing above. That picture was taken during Christmas Morning. at about 2am.

I was thinking about NTU thing, I went to talk to Candice about it, she said just apply. Application starts today, I think I will be busy applying tomorrow.

On a lighter note, I'm glad to have know nice people like Teri and Karen whose company I've been enjoying these past few weeks. I wonder who will I forget after march.

I've been listening to retro English songs, as influenced by Aaron and Jing Ni, with their total eclipse of the heart thing. Right now there's monotonic sounds coming from my neighbor's house, which I totally cannot stand. GAWD.

Jon Secada's Angle is a nice song.

30th January 2010

2010-01-30T23:35:00.002+08:00

Nick's kinda occupied with things, but one notable thing is that today he went high life shopping with Aaron and Jing Ni, and was like a light bulb for 2 hours or so. Firstly, ALDO shoes are quite nice, I don't know if they have like a size 11 1/2 for me or not, but i like this brown shoes with creases. I think it looks nice. Then there's this Bally bag and this Topshop bag that I think is cool, but the Topshop bag is 89 dollars, the Bally bag I didn't bother. The Espirt bag that I really liked is gone too. So sad, when you want to buy it, its already gone.

Who wants to go SPCLS D&D? I think I might actually help 3 table arrange. Closer to the date more and more people are joining. Good sign, it may actually be a good party after all.

Would a girl go with a guy who loves her or a guy that can give her a good life? How about a guy who can give her security and love against a guy who loves her a whole lot? Does it make a difference? In the end, as according to Wendy's sad video, usually the rich get the pretty girls, but thankfully, its not all the time, its just almost all.

What gives?

3.319 is super borderline for NTU, I really hope I can go to NTU, but they say they count 5 semesters results, so even if I study really hard this semester, they won't count it for my current application to NTU, and that means my FYP GPA boost won't go into the 5 semester results, that means that my application letter to NTU will be almost pointless. Sigh. Well, at least there's army.

I want to like go get a lot of money so I don't have to work and can buy all the nice clothing there is that the world has to offer.

29th January 2010

2010-01-28T23:24:00.004+08:00

I've been on this page for almost an hour now, and I've been thinking about a shit load of stuff, like why I don't rant when I really need to, and a whole lot of other disgusting, intriguing stuff that I have no idea why I think about them.

I have come to a extremely sad conclusion as of, maybe a whole ten maybe twenty years of my life, that no one knows my favorite color. It became apparent to me when someone asked me if I knew someone else's favorite color. I can just break into the conclusion that no one bothers what color I actually like. My favorite color's actually red, wait, I'm actually not sure about that. WOW, while writing this, Teri actually guessed it. She says its gut feeling.

Which is regrettably so, cause' I think that fat ugly stupid not nice people are creatures or beings that no one cares about, no one misses, and no one takes heed of. But where are your true friends when you need them? I always told myself that friends are the ones that tell you when you're wrong, fat, ugly and stupid at the same time, I hardly see them down here.

My efforts to create a unified class succeeded, but only for a little while, before everything broke down, back to square one. Someone told me that FYP breaks friendships, now I realized that that may actually be true. Counting with my fingers, there's already over five which situations that I already know, much less those that have reached my ears.

I played the role of the asshole in school, when I really wanted to be a soothsayer. Ironically, no one takes my words seriously anyway, anymore.

Would it have been better if I didn't quite DB in year one?

Would it have been better if I devoted my personal life to music?

Would it have been better if I hadn't dated her?

Would it have been better if I didn't kiss her that day?

It kills me, especially the last one, when I think about it. Its stupid to think back, I know, but whats point when you can't see the future? You might as well walk with your back facing the front, coz' you will always be that way. Once bitten, its not only the twice that's shy, its the thrice, quadrice,quince, always, that you stay away from it.

But what if its something you need? What if in the dire situation you really have no other choice? Can you pick it up in the same way it bit you?

You're the thing that bit me, my poison, my one true and only love right now.

The species that don't adapt is doomed to die.

Post-Christmas.

2009-12-26T19:28:00.002+08:00

Come to think of it, Christmas went along like any other day, badly. I received one personal present this year. Yay! Apples chocolates and sweets, I think I received a grand total of 3 non-food related presents. Yay!

I expected worse.

I came home to a neatly messed up table, without clothes. I was awfully surprised, and wonder which miracle happened. Then, I opened up my drawers and found that everything was shafted in, UNCATAGORISED. Fricken' disaster.

Yes, I decided that I would be materialistic, because the thought doesn't count, when there isn't any. So what for make everyone else but yourself happy, does it make a difference? Its just like going green: ONE PERSON CANNOT MAKE A DIFFERENCE. Why me?

I don't care, coz' nobody cares.

Christmas

2009-12-22T10:21:00.003+08:00

Christmas is here, and I want to blog, but I don't know what to blog about. Its my nineteenth Christmas, every Christmas is worse than the last, and this year's hit rock bottom. Remembering my birthday, Christmas doesn't seem very exciting, and it makes me get cynical over every little thing, from inefficiency to just plain everyday stuff.

I've to get through this FYP report which is going to murder me, literally, if not metaphorically. Well, its procrastination that got me here, I could have started way earlier for my project report. Given 3 projects and finish on the third week of December its a good situation for me. Well, as Ken Lee said, don't compare your project with other groups, its going to be very different, very difficult, very time consuming. How can you not compare when other groups start way later than you and finish way earlier than you? They come in for an hour a week and they have completed and probably have already finished their project report.

Enough ranting over FYPs.

Elgin say's he's going through a slight depression over the FYP report thing. I can feel it too, the lack of sleep, the hostility, the simple lack of appetite. I can't even play L4D when I'm bored.

Dr. Ken says he's not going to push me for distinction.

So much for Christmas.

Victor said we should share a present from my dad, which is to sell the old piano and get a good keyboard. I said anything, because I know that anything I want for Christmas, money can't buy.

Money can't buy a gift from someone you love, it can't buy love from someone you like, it can't buy time, it definitely can't reverse time, it would make someone like you more, it won't cure depression, lonliness, aggression, and all the pent up feelings I'm feeling right now.

Right now I'm abused and over-used.

Little meaning left in this life of mine, where I see people buy 50 dollar flip-flops, spend their time doing things people appreciate, and I can only look at my handphone and smile, coz' she sent me an sms.

I'm feeling really unappreciated, for anything that I do.

But as I said : I'm not a special and unique snowflake. I'm the same decaying matter as every single damn thing that existed.

But, even the person who said that, had a girlfriend. How much can I match myself to Tyler Durden?

2009-12-21T16:55:00.001+08:00

You're a very special girl, and Andrew's a very lucky guy. Gonna miss you all so much~

2009-12-19T19:39:00.003+08:00

Training Log:
5 min threadmill (warm-up)
4 x 8 upright rows (30kg)
4 x 8 bench presses (15kg, 17.5kg, 20kg, 21.25kg-20kg-17.5kg)
4 x 5 preacher curls (50lbs, 50lbs, 50lbs, 60lbs)
2 x 8 chest flies (15kg)

Monday, forteenth of december.

2009-12-14T22:56:00.002+08:00

What am I supposed to do, watch you cry?

Training log:
1o min treadmill (warm-up)
4 x 5 preacher curls (drop-sets)
4 x 20 back (210lbs)
4 x 12 leg presses (210lbs)
4 x 8 upright rows (30kg)
40 inclined sit-ups
3 x 20 flutter kicks

2009-12-08T21:10:00.001+08:00

I have directly ZERO motivation to study.

2009-12-08T09:41:00.001+08:00

Nick wants to give up hope on his project right now.

On a little lighter note, MSTs will be over soon.

Special.

2009-12-04T00:28:00.003+08:00

You scared?

I constantly tell myself, "You are not a special and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying matter as everyone else."

So when do you become from special, to not so special?

Wendesday Reds.

2009-12-02T20:03:00.003+08:00

"Hey, you look ravishing, as usual." was really what I wanted to say. Somehow I didn't have the guts to. Oh well...

I really really hope doing well for your project takes me places. If not I'll still be quite happy to work in the lab for you anyway.

Hi, I'm Forrest, Forrest Gump.

I bet I won't be able to say something like this when it matters the most. He's a fool, but he's so much more a great person, maybe than what I'll ever be.

Monday BLUES.

2009-11-23T18:29:00.002+08:00

I'm fat. I know that I'm fat. But that doesn't mean that I like to eat all food, it doesn't mean that when you offer me your food, or your leftovers, I am going to eat it. It doesn't mean that when you pass as pack of sweets around and it goes past me, THAT I ATE IT. I'm not a pig.

Certain teachers should just give up teaching if they are going to just going to READ OFF THE SLIDES. If the notes are wrong, PRINT US A NEW ONE, because you sent them for printing. When the class is not listening, ITS NO JOKE. We are Singapore students, which means that we have lots of pressure and shit to learn, IT DOESN'T MEAN WE STUDIED CHROMATOGRAPY IN SECONDARY SCHOOL. We have not much time left for our personal life, WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO FIND ANALYTICAL CHEMISTRY TEXTBOOKS TO READ. A couple of hours in between lessons isn't time to get a life, ITS A WASTE OF TIME. We are not researchers, even if you have been one, SATURDAY ISN'T TIME TO DO FYP.

On a lighter note, THIS ISN'T A JOKE AR.

Weird Dream

2009-11-20T19:57:00.003+08:00

I had a wierd dream last night: I was with a certain someone that I didn't think I would be with, and I was relatively happy.

I woke up, and I pondered why did I have that dream.

Weird.

Its not that I don't like her, its just that I'd never imagine myself to be with her.

Tired.

2009-11-19T18:32:00.002+08:00

Right now, if I could bother to write a letter to God, it would be something like this.

Dear God,

1. I'm very very tired.
2. Why does everything work out, but nothing work out fine?
3. Life sucks. Do You?
4. Why is it that the best part of the day for me is watching the sunset?
5. I need more time.
6. I need a break.
7. Why are people like that?
8. I'm lonely.
9. I'm the direct opposite of perfect; to say that I'm imperfect is a huge compliment.
10. Please explain to me why I want/need the answers to the above 9 statements/questions.

love(less),
Nick

Isn't writing letters in point form alot easier? Its more direct, and you don't get to forget what you were thinking.

2009-11-18T18:12:00.001+08:00

Clarity
John Mayer

I worry, I weigh three times my body
I worry, I throw my fear around
But this morning, there's a calm I can't explain
The rock candy's melted, only diamonds now remain

Ooh ooh ooh ooh

By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on
Well all I got's

Ooh ooh ooh ooh

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
That it won't and it won't because it can't
Because it just can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to

Was there a second of time that I looked around?
Did I sail through or drop my anchor down
Was anything enough to kiss the ground?
And say I'm here now and she's here now

Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh

So much wasted in the afternoon
So much sacred in the month of June
How bout you

And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
When it won't and it won't
Because it won't
And I will waste no time
Worried 'bout no rainy weather
And I will waste no time
Remaining in our lives together

Gawd I hope this works out for me.

2009-11-17T19:56:00.002+08:00

Thanks for helping me with that heavy load.

Even as I rushed everything through as fast as I can, I went down to feel nothing but emptiness, coz the sky was dark, and you were gone. Again.

2009-11-15T15:44:00.003+08:00

Neon
John Mayer

When sky blue gets dark enough
To see the colors of the city lights
A trail of ruby red and diamond white
Hits her like a sunrise

She comes and goes and comes and goes
Like no one can

Tonight she's out to lose herself
And find a high on Peachtree Street
From mixed drinks to techno beats it's always
Heavy into everything

She comes and goes and comes and goes
Like no one can
She comes and goes and no one knows
She's slipping through my hands

She's always buzzing just like
Neon, neon
Neon, neon
Who knows how long, how long, how long
She can go before she burns away

I can't be her angel now
You know it's not my place to hold her down
And it's hard for me to take a stand
When I would take her anyway I can

She comes and she goes
Like no one can
She comes and she goes
She's slipping through my hands

She's always buzzing just like
Neon, neon
Neon, neon
Who knows how long, how long, how long
She can go before she burns away, away.

She comes and she goes
Like no one can
She comes and she goes
She's slipping through my hands

She's always buzzing just like
Neon, neon
Neon, neon
Who knows how long, how long, how long
She can go before she burns away

2009-11-12T21:06:00.004+08:00

Love Song For No One
John Mayer

Staying home alone on a Friday
Flat on the floor looking back
On old love
Or lack thereof
After all the crushes are faded
And all my wishful thinking was wrong
I'm jaded
I hate it

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
Get here

Searching all my days just to find you
I'm not sure who I'm looking for
I'll know it
When I see you
Until then, I'll hide in my bedroom
Staying up all night just to write
A love song for no one

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
So tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
Oh no way

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

I'm tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here
I'm so tired of being alone
So hurry up and get here

You'll be so good
You'll be so good for me

2009-11-10T18:47:00.003+08:00

Even though the sky's grey, littered with thick clouds that foretell rain, my rooms still terribly saturated with your colour. Though I no longer am happy when it rains, I smile, deep down within.

2009-11-05T18:46:00.002+08:00

The sunset today reminded me much of you, coz' you've never been a sunshine in my life; you never smiled much. But the gloomy turn of the sky from pink to blue, turned my bright green room and all its objects to different shades of blue. I'm not trying to say that you've turned my world blue; its nothing but, saturated with your colour.

Random.

2009-11-03T18:28:00.001+08:00

I want a name Niki, or Nichole, cause it sounds cool for a girl.

Need to get started on my Shit. and compile all my NMR and stuff like that, its getting irritating. AND I THINK I MIXED UP MY ESTERS WITH MY ACID. Omg. Die. I'm too scared to ask Ken Lee for advice coz' I know I will tio nag from him de. Then hor, all the back log haven't clear, and the presentation I don't really know how to do...

I wonder who reads this blog anyway.

Good luck to the both of you! May you two not end up like me. lol.

Rants.

2009-10-31T18:39:00.002+08:00

I had a dream about you last night. I dreamt that you took the seashell in your hand, and it grew into something lovely. I took your hand in mine, you smiled and said, "Shh. Don't tell anyone." Throughout that dream, we kept stealing glances at each other and I was happy. You were happy.

I woke up to the harsh reality that it was a dream. Dreams don't exist in real life. Movies don't exist in real life.

I've realised that in class, I'm nothing more than an "over-confident" gossipy, and someone people say friendly, person. To those two, I'm sorry if I'm a little overboard, but do take it as a joke, no harm intended.

Hey, a big thank you to you two for the presentation. Even though we kena chewed up again by Ken Lee, but I can assure you, that we're on the right tract and we're improving, at least by leaps and bounds. Jiayous.

From now on, I should be cold. Until you grow up, and stop thinking that the world revolves around you. I cannot stand it, but that's you, and according to EIC teacher I cannot change you thus I will stop here. You're cute, but annoying.

I now wonder when you will ever talk to me.

2009-10-22T23:59:00.000+08:00

People piss me off. I really want to say who, how and why, but always to be politically correct is driving me up the wall.

2009-10-13T14:22:00.002+08:00

WHY WON'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.

I'M ON A DEAD PROJECT AND YOU'RE NOT MAKING IT ANY BETTER.

2009-09-23T21:40:00.001+08:00

Maybe I should just quit school now and just do something else.

I don't really care right now.

Whats the point?

I lose everything. Gain nothing.

2009-09-23T21:36:00.001+08:00

:(

sigh.

2009-09-19T22:24:00.000+08:00

I hate the 14th of September.

Stuck in my head.

2009-09-13T22:58:00.003+08:00

One love is all we need.

If you really love her you gotta, set her free

I can see, can see that its maybe just a vision of you, electric blue.

Can't you see that I wanna fall from the stars, straight into your arms.

In a plain black dress with purple lace, as she graces the beat of a jazz ballad.

You say it best, when you say nothing at all.

Its warm down here on the other side, I'm waiting by the phone tonight.

Doesn't it piss you off, your world is not as strong, as it used to be.

Only blue only blue, 一个人好忧郁，一个人，一步步，好寂寞。

我觉得自己好失败，从天堂掉落到深远，oh no.

icanseeusholdinghandswalkingonthebeachourtoesinthesand,
icanseeusonthecountrysidesittingonthegrasspatchsidebyside.

=(

2009-08-30T22:27:00.000+08:00

If life is so purposeless, do you feel that it's worth living?
by Visakan Veerasamy

Yes, for those of us who somehow manage to cope with our own mortality. The very meaninglessness of life forces man to create his own meaning. Children, of course, begin life with an untarnished sense of wonder, a capacity to experience total joy at something as simple as the greenness of a leaf; but as they grow older, the awareness of death and decay begins to impinge on their consciousness and subtly erode their joie de vivre, their idealism- and their assumption of immortality. As a child matures, he sees death and pain everywhere about him, and begins to lose faith in the ultimate goodness of man. But if he's reasonably strong- and lucky- he can emerge from this twilight of the soul into a rebirth of life's élan. Both because of and in spite of his awareness of the meaninglessness of life, he can forge a fresh sense of purpose and affirmation. He may not recapture the same pure sense of wonder he was born with, but he can shape something far more enduring and sustaining. The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent; but if we can come to terms with this indifference and accept the challenges of life within the boundaries of death- however mutable man may be able to make them- our existence as a species can have genuine meaning and fulfillment. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.

To a Certain Somone.

2009-08-17T16:02:00.004+08:00

I'm no longer keeping silent.

What the hell did I ever do to offend you. I'm at my limits already, don't push it any further. I give you my respect as a friend, and in turn you treat me like dirt. Be mindful that I'm not obliged to give in to you at any time, answer any of your freaking questions and answer to your beck and call.

What hits me the most is that you don't do any thinking yourself, and the best part is, you don't ask people to teach you the method, you simply just want the answer. I saw the answer to your question, and I can practically see that you put in ZERO effort. Even if I asked you to search for the answer yourself, you can still ask me how to search. I, myself, haven't even started the report so don't go thinking that I don't want to tell you the answer.

What's wrong with you?

Nirvana.

2009-08-13T23:03:00.002+08:00

Nicky's just back from the Looi's house from studying cGMPs and teaching mole concept. Me is so tired, and Rachel can't connect pieces properly. But at least she's making progress.

I hate LM. The questions make no sense. They just want you to calculate everything. I don't even think he did the questions, or that he did anything to prepare the lesson, I doubt his qualifications to teach this module in the first place, that takes bits and pieces from other modules and pieces it into one. There's nothing to learn, all to remember.

Everyone had fun being a hunter, boomer and trying to scaring each other and hiding in dark corners in LT4a, and I went to take a nap until Wenjie barged in, and woke me from my slumber. And Wayne Lee's giving tips so yay.

I've yet to expel everything from my brain. So I can do well for my test.

Dreams.

2009-08-12T21:14:00.003+08:00

I have realised that its amazingly difficult to blog when you are on facebook. Especially when you are playing fish a fish. Its a amazingly retarded game, don't play it.

Yesterday I happened to be asked about LM by NQ the bird, then she she suddenly talked about dreams, because SHE HAD A DREAM ABOUT HERSELF ASKING ME ABOUT A GRAPH THAT SHE THOUGHT WAS CORRECT, WHICH I INEVIDENTLY TOLD HER WAS WRONG, AND CORRECTED IT FOR HER. Somehow, it came true yesterday night, and then she was so excited and recollected that she had other dreams that she was in the middle of Africa and another about being in a terrorist country that was being attacked by terrorists. Don't worry, Nuanqin, they will ALL come true.

I hate dreams, because they're nothing but dreams, and they are never real, only real dreams are nightmares, and the worst nightmare of all is the one you don't have dreams about: Reality.

I shan't discuss what we said last night, its private info. Anyway, one day I will go into nude black and white phtography and I will be some pro photographer, not like the ones edison chen took. Ah heck, I'm losing sleep over my FYP already, so yeah. I'M DOOMED.

Kryptonite.

2009-08-11T20:07:00.003+08:00

Nick feels retarded. For the few times in his life. There seems too be too many slip ups, too many accidents and somehow everything's going downhill. A recent quiz I did earlier showed that I'm domineering and histrionic. I need some motivation to go on.

What seemed very much like a do-able project turned out to be much more than what I expected. I need to get past the first stage. The rest of the reactions seem to be the easy ones. Its the first few that really get on my nerves. And just when Chee Geng left, the lab had to close for a month. That really sucks.

Somehow I wonder if there really is this, "You reap what you sow". It works sometimes and doesn't the next. I need some like superpower to pick me up and place me back on my feet. I need to find kryptonite.

2009-08-07T10:25:00.000+08:00

Portrait Lover
The Fire Fight

Can you see the light in my eyes?
Beyond this deep black iris that you know.
Can you hear the voices behind
The walls that leaves us sentimentally lonesome?

In a plain black dress with a purple lace
She graces the beat of a jazz ballet.
So come on dance now and don't you cry

And there ain't no place that I'd rather be,
Just you and I at the matinee.
With that look in your eyes.

Well I could be your everything.
You could be my everyone
I could be your special friend.
You could be my only one.

My skin is cold and I'm growing old,
A time has come that can't be foretold.
With a mind and a heart that breaks,
Though i gave all my best to you
Would someone be hear to tell
The stories that I wrote?

Though the world may have its idea of fame
Yet what's the point?
They can't remember your name.
Oh come on stop now, and don't you try.

But in the quiet beneath the trees,
Do you remember the days that were so beautiful
To me?

Well I could be your everything,
You could be my everyone.
I could be your special friend,
You could be my only one.

from Henri, released 31 July 2009
Lyrics by Joshua Tan & Iain Tham

2009-08-03T22:51:00.001+08:00

The Train Song
The Fire Fight

Sad, sad so we are together.
Sad, sad so we are together.
Now if you'll please be satisfied with me
8:30 on the tick-tock counter.
Black suit in the morning rush hour
So what, so what he says to her,
You never believed in us,
Never believed in us.
Lovers will be like this,
Lovers will be the same always.
And every time you're underestimating me,
Hold on, hold on.

Sad, sad so we are together.
Sad, sad so we are together.
And if you'll please be satisfied with me.
You know you know you know
Its never enough
So what's your story waiting for?
So what, so what he says to her.
Do you have the strength to be with me?
Moments could be like this,
Moments could be the same always.
And every time you're underestimating me,
Hold on, hold on.
It always should be like this,
It always should be like this to me.

credits
from Henri, released 31 July 2009
Lyrics by Joshua Tan

In the Next Part of Your Unending Dream - Surface

2009-07-15T00:29:00.001+08:00

In the light that spills out from a gap in the clouds, that seemed so dazzling
I suddenly held my hand up over my head, my weaknesses seeming to be transparent

Just by being envious, I would always pretend to give up
But my feelings rage, so I'm again lead astray

Everyone gets frustrated
But all you can do is just move on, with your own two feet
I wander about and worry too, when I'm like that
I wonder what sort of future will have?

Destroy that interfering unease
Break it apart, with your hands that are clenched into fists
Carve in that pain, yes, dive into it
The next part of your unending dream

It looks like I've lost sight of what reality is
And whether or not the path that I choose is right or not

When I carry myself in a cheerful manner, loneliness crosses over
What sort of face is the real me making?

People can't help but be sad
Seeking something, I continue to search
Struggling like that, yet surely
You'll cut through to the future that you will have

Don't stand still, and lose your way
Somewhere, we're certainly connected
Don't run away, just quietly touch your hopes
In the next part of your unending dream

The things that that I'm desperately holding fast to
My uselessly expanding pride
And everything, at this point
I'm going to try and throw it all away
And then, try starting all over again

Everyone gets frustrated
But all you can do is just move on, with your own two feet
I wander about and worry too, when I'm like that
I wonder what sort of future will have?

Destroy that interfering unease
Break it apart, with your hands that are clenched into fists
Carve in that pain, yes, dive into it
The truth is, you believe in yourself more than that
To the next part of your unending dream

Life Lessons. Copied from Wendy's Blog

2009-07-13T21:13:00.000+08:00

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.
17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.
18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Overprepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: "In five years, will this matter?"
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
36. Growing old beats the alternative - dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
38. Read the Psalms. They cover every human emotion.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
45. The best is yet to come.
46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
48. If you don't ask, you don't get.
49. Yield.
50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

2009-07-02T23:08:00.001+08:00

Nick wants to concentrate for his FYP. Coz' we're back to square one.

2009-05-27T20:26:00.003+08:00

You can say I'm clumsy.
You can insult my crappy chinese.
You can laugh at my LCMS results.
You can curse my reaction to fail.
You can scold me, and do whatever you want in your lab.

But I know what I'm doing.

2009-05-26T19:25:00.002+08:00

Lets start with the screwed up list:

1. I am so going to "just pass" my PCCC paper today. If not, fail.

2. I have to chiong my LM formal report starting today. Which is already three days late.

3. My Lithiation reaction has failed. And I don't even have to look at it to know. I really need a chemistry tutor, and I really need chemistry tutees. Interested people please leave a tag.

4. Guys from my group, I'm really tired of bossing you around. So, I really want a break. I cannot take the stress from each datasheet we hand in. We need to communicate.

5. I screwed up my gems assignment, even though I think I took not bad photos because the requirements were too stringent. I blame myself for not being able to find the requirements myself, much less read it.

6. I'm procrastinating reparing my phone, registering my credit card, and doing a whole lot of other stuff.

7. I owe my China-peeps a letter, and I need to be like a little kid and ask them to send me stuff from china, eg. capillary tubes.

8. I'm still looking for a musical direction in life.

9. Andrew's going to Australia to study, I think.

10. I'm poor, or I shall have to choose to be poor. Please donate me money. Thanks.

2009-05-25T18:51:00.000+08:00

Nick's really really angry. But then, what can he do?

2009-05-22T21:05:00.002+08:00

Nicky thinks that the previous post is so true, but he's not really happy, coz' he doesn't want them to get scared, especially her.

2009-05-22T20:56:00.001+08:00

ENTJ

The Executive

Extroverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging

Assertive and outspoken - they are driven to lead. Excellent ability to understand difficult organizational problems and create solid solutions. Intelligent and well-informed, they usually excel at public speaking. They value knowledge and competence, and usually have little patience with inefficiency or disorganization.

As an ENTJ, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things rationally and logically. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.

ENTJs are natural born leaders. They live in a world of possibilities where they see all sorts challenges to be surmounted, and they want to be the ones responsible for surmounting them. They have a drive for leadership, which is well-served by their quickness to grasp complexities, their ability to absorb a large amount of impersonal information, and their quick and decisive judgments. They are "take charge" people.

ENTJs are very career-focused, and fit into the corporate world quite naturally. They are constantly scanning their environment for potential problems which they can turn into solutions. They generally see things from a long-range perspective, and are usually successful at identifying plans to turn problems around - especially problems of a corporate nature. ENTJs are usually successful in the business world, because they are so driven to leadership. They're tireless in their efforts on the job, and driven to visualize where an organization is headed. For these reasons, they are natural corporate leaders.

There is not much room for error in the world of the ENTJ. They dislike to see mistakes repeated, and have no patience with inefficiency. They may become quite harsh when their patience is tried in these respects, because they are not naturally tuned in to people's feelings, and more than likely don't believe that they should tailor their judgments in consideration for people's feelings. ENTJs, like many types, have difficulty seeing things from outside their own perspective. Unlike other types, ENTJs naturally have little patience with people who do not see things the same way as the ENTJ. The ENTJ needs to consciously work on recognizing the value of other people's opinions, as well as the value of being sensitive towards people's feelings. In the absence of this awareness, the ENTJ will be a forceful, intimidating and overbearing individual. This may be a real problem for the ENTJ, who may be deprived of important information and collaboration from others. In their personal world, it can make some ENTJs overbearing as spouses or parents.

The ENTJ has a tremendous amount of personal power and presence which will work for them as a force towards achieving their goals. However, this personal power is also an agent of alienation and self-aggrandizement, which the ENTJ would do well to avoid.

ENTJs are very forceful, decisive individuals. They make decisions quickly, and are quick to verbalize their opinions and decisions to the rest of the world. The ENTJ who has not developed their Intuition will make decisions too hastily, without understanding all of the issues and possible solutions. On the other hand, an ENTJ who has not developed their Thinking side will have difficulty applying logic to their insights, and will often make poor decisions. In that case, they may have brilliant ideas and insight into situations, but they may have little skill at determining how to act upon their understanding, or their actions may be inconsistent. An ENTJ who has developed in a generally less than ideal way may become dictatorial and abrasive - intrusively giving orders and direction without a sound reason for doing so, and without consideration for the people involved.

Although ENTJs are not naturally tuned into other people's feelings, these individuals frequently have very strong sentimental streaks. Often these sentiments are very powerful to the ENTJ, although they will likely hide it from general knowledge, believing the feelings to be a weakness. Because the world of feelings and values is not where the ENTJ naturally functions, they may sometimes make value judgments and hold onto submerged emotions which are ill-founded and inappropriate, and will cause them problems - sometimes rather serious problems.

ENTJs love to interact with people. As Extroverts, they're energized and stimulated primarily externally. There's nothing more enjoyable and satisfying to the ENTJ than having a lively, challenging conversation. They especially respect people who are able to stand up to the ENTJ, and argue persuasively for their point of view. There aren't too many people who will do so, however, because the ENTJ is a very forceful and dynamic presence who has a tremendous amount of self-confidence and excellent verbal communication skills. Even the most confident individuals may experience moments of self-doubt when debating a point with an ENTJ.

ENTJs want their home to be beautiful, well-furnished, and efficiently run. They're likely to place much emphasis on their children being well-educated and structured, to desire a congenial and devoted relationship with their spouse. At home, the ENTJ needs to be in charge as much as he or she does in their career. The ENTJ is likely best paired with someone who has a strong self-image, who is also a Thinking type. Because the ENTJ is primarily focused on their careers, some ENTJs have a problem with being constantly absent from home, physically or mentally.

The ENTJ has many gifts which make it possible for them to have a great deal of personal power, if they don't forget to remain balanced in their lives. The are assertive, innovative, long-range thinkers with an excellent ability to translate theories and possibilities into solid plans of action. They are usually tremendously forceful personalities, and have the tools to accomplish whatever goals they set out for.

2009-05-21T23:59:00.000+08:00

I wanna be there when you're feeling down and out. When work loads make you stay up till late in the middle of the night. I wanna be there so you can sleep on my shoulder while I do it for you. Coz' you need it done urgently. Are you going to let me?

It's just the way you move, the way you, move me.

2009-05-20T20:31:00.002+08:00

Nick's feeling distressed from the sodium methoxide turning into sodium hydoxide, which converted the hydroxylamine group back into an acid. But that's alright. He's not been having a nice time lately, especially since he broke up with Gillian. But his reason for happiness hasn't been easy, and people breathe down hard on him, and he's feeling really disarrayed.

Nick's only happy when you guys are there, coz you guys make me smile.

I'll give you a chance, I agree with them that I've been really hard on you. But you don't give crap either. I want you to work really hard, or don't blame me for treating you the way I have always done.

2009-05-18T18:30:00.004+08:00

What are you thinking?
What are you doing?
What do you think of me?
What am I to you now?
What will we be in the future?
What can we be in the future?

Coz' your smile's still everything to me. From the very first time I laid eyes on you, till this very moment.

Soon, workloads are going to pile and pile and pile on top of me.

2009-05-15T21:40:00.003+08:00

Today's a fruitful day at the lab, I'm done with one final product, but somehow the formula mass is wrong. Kinda screwed it up too, but i'm okay with it. Finally some result in the lab, after four weeks. Haha. I really hope things will speed up after this. Coz' its kinda slow. Imagine I take 4 weeks to produce one final compound, wouldn't I only be able to produce 20 final products at the end of the semester? I need a 150.

NMRs are a blur to me still. Thank goodness I have a teacher who reads NMRs fast. I see already also blur. Thats the first product that I submitted in 4 weeks, and its dirty with traces of solvent, and I really need to buck up on that eh?

I've two formal reports to do, literature search, revision and my damn logbook to complete. Especially the log book. If Ken Lee see's it, I'm so dead. Need to hand in the report on monday as well. Sigh. So much to do, so little time.

Take care alright? I don't want anything to happen to you, my princess. You've been having late nights, doing all your stuff. Although I really wanna take care of you, I can't. Can I?

2009-05-13T23:00:00.002+08:00

I think I'm getting exhausted from the work in the lab. After the whole column's through, I get 5 test tubes of product. and its all tainted still. I think I'll redo the column and try and get my product. Its hard to imagine the work that I've to do, yet again.

Reports aren't helping much either. With two reports given on the same dateline, the agony of staying up late is going to come really really soon. LM and its standard addition method, and PCCC with its soap making.

I so want to read literature on my work, but its so troublesome to go and find. I can feel the pressure that I put on myself. My molecules are two weeks late and I don't like it one bit. And there's so much things to do. But so little time. And I'm feeling the heartburn/heartache of it all.

2009-05-11T20:41:00.004+08:00

I'm so tired of the heck reaction. Its not going to work. Sigh. Its the second time we're doing it, and the flash chromatography is going to wear us out soon. Its probably not the solvent anymore. Its probably just me. Its frustrating.

I've two formal reports, two datasheets, a few tutorials to go over, and a whole lot of catching up, especially on PCCC. Why get a teacher to teach something that he doesn't know? Its not like he's going to know much about it when he's done teaching. He's an organic chemist, for goodness sake.

I feel sorry for the people whom I'm disappointing right now. Especially Ying Jie and Ken Lee.

2009-05-10T23:04:00.003+08:00

Today's mothers day, but my mom's killing me man. She's throwing away my stuff and everything. and she said, "Go lose some weight." in the morning. Like wow. Happy mother's day. I didn't get her anything, and I'm still so angry with her.

And for all you delusional people out there. I am not growing slimmer, I am growing fatter. I can't stand it when people say I've slimmed down. It seems like a blatant lie. I am growing fatter and fatter and one day I will explode and my oil will pollute the world.

Yesterday, after a very very long time, I sat at home, doing nothing at all, and I didn't know why. I was supposed to go out, but in the end didn't. So I played Warcraft II for the whole day. And I suck at games now. I'm growing older.

And we were supposed to play basketball today, but in the end didn't. I should get started on my homework too man. Its getting too... slow.

Your will's not as strong as you told all your friends it was gonna be.

2009-05-08T23:44:00.002+08:00

I finally found the song for my blog! Thanks to Qi Ming who taught me how to get it from Sogou.com. Now I actually have the song that I got inspiration to create this blog from! Although it sounds kinda emo and all but who cares? Its quite a nice song actually.

Kinda started off bad for me when Ken Lee said that our reaction didn't proceed smoothly. So sad luhh, second reaction already failed. I have to get those hands of mine moving faster and faster, till I can finish packing my column, flushing my column and doing my TLCs in two hours or less.

Today was the first time that my group finished so much faster than the other groups, for C.S. Lim's prac. Then saw Karen and Teri and Dennis at the opposite lab, and chit chatted awhile before performing another flash column chromatography at the Lab. This time I think our speed improved.

And I'm so angry with the person who did my jeans lor. I wonder if he's really a tailor. Disgusting. Didn't look one bit like What I had in mind. Sigh. Nothing really is going my way much these days.

2009-05-07T22:55:00.002+08:00

Maybe I shouldn't show off. Maybe I shouldn't have done what I did during practical today. I think it pisses a whole bunch of people off. Probably not just me, once I come to think about it. I laugh to myself and think, "What was I doing?".

So just shut-up when the teacher makes a comment. Shut up when you've nothing to do. Shut up even though you know it kills you not to do so. Probably then you'd have more friends.

Coz' somehow it occurs to me that it doesn't matter what you do, when they do something, you'd best follow suit.

2009-05-06T20:48:00.003+08:00

I think I suck at coming up with titles, coz' I really can't come up any titles nowadays. Come to think of it, thanks to the someone who gave me the little smile just now, life wouldn't be the same without it.

Lab Management Essay is a killer man. It seems like internal audit's better than external audit, and the pointers that I'm finding aren't helping at all man, in fact, its making it worst. Someone help me mann~~

FYP went really well today with the FCC, now so cool luh, monitor by LCMS instead of just the TLC. I really really hope that this FYP will help me get to NUS or NTU man, coz' grades aren't just doing it man. I'm realising that theres so much difference between Ken Lee's Lab and Deng Wei Ping's Lab. I feel so handicapped without a whole bottle of capillary tubes in front of me.

I hope I can get all my stuff sorted out, coz' ever since I came back from Shanghai, I've been feeling the drag of things and its taking its toll out on other people.

Back to Blogging

2009-05-05T22:45:00.002+08:00

I think I'll go back to blogging for awhile. I'll do up this place and within a few days, it'll be up and running~

2009-02-28T01:10:00.000+08:00

Nick's really dying.

Slow Dancing In A Burning Room

2009-01-30T00:37:00.002+08:00

1. Put your iTunes/Napster/Zune Player/WinAmp/etc on shuffle.

2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.

3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Don't Tell Me - Avril Lavigne "Wow, so is that supposed to be true?"

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
If It Wasn't For You - King Kong Jane "I wonder where's the link supposed to be."

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
My Happy Ending - Avril Lavigne "Spot on. Today's not my day."

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Liberty With Wings - Allura "I suppose in general thats my life's purpose."

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
I Need You - Leanne Rimes "Who do I need? Hmm."

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Here Without You - 3 Doors Down. " This is bad. Serious. Bad."

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR PARENTS?
Limbo - Allura "Not exactly. But I think I'm going there soon."

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
My Sacrifice - Creed "Am I really that self-centered?"

WHAT IS 2+2?
Life Is A Roller Coaster - Ronan Keating "I knew I was bad in math!"

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Now We Will - West Grand Boulevard "Hmm. Sounds suggestive."

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Bigger Than My Body - John Mayer "Nothing. I repeat, Nothing, gets bigger than my body."

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Forever - Vertical Horizon "I think there's much to say about my life already. But not that long."

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Only One - Yellowcard "Not exactly, I like company."

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Worms On Concrete - Flawed Element ".__________."

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Last Night At 12 I Felt Immense - Caracal "I didn't do anything last night but homework."

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
What I've Done - Linkin Park "OUCH. Its like what Andrew would have imagined."

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Pieces Of Me - Ashlee Simpsons "O.O OMG"

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Kryptonite - 3 Doors Down "Hey. Sort of. If u think deep enough."

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
In the Shadows - The Rasmus "Aww, you guys, I shan't leave you all there anymore, okay?"

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Hero - Chad Kroeger "Want to be hero right? Huh? Now you see you how now."

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Waiting for Tonight - J.Lo. "Damn. Thats fast."

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Flights of Fancy - West Grand Boulevard

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
The Reason - Hooberstank "What reason?"

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Everything You Want- Vertical Horizon "Exactly."

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Its Not Too Late - Armchair Critic "I got that old meh?"

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
That's The Way It Is - Celine Dion "What way?"

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Ladeda - Allura "I think it means no."

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Gamajazillion - Allura "I wonder what that means."

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Dreaming With A Broken Heart - John Mayer "Quite True."

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Slow Dancing In A Burning Room - John Mayer

2009-01-17T21:11:00.001+08:00

I'm like supposed to write like a long long entry but I have no idea what to write at all lah. It sucks to see this and it sucks to see that. Totally nothing. I'm like super stressed out now. Got like 2 reports and 1 datasheet overdue, but none are like going to be completed soon. Reports are like so weird and disgusting. You fill them with words that you don't really wanna know, or don't really know at all. Like,"Wow". I really really really hate reports and I hope I don't have to do them when I g0 to Shanghai. I'm rather not looking forward to taking care of myself there. I don't know why. It just seems apparent that its rather tedious looking after myelf. Like duh. I don't wanna wash my clothes, I don't wanna wake up at 6 in the morning, I don't wanna do housework. I just wanna play play play. I feel so play deprived, even though I'm like seem playing 99.99% of the time. I just wanna play. Schoolwork's so tiring, school's so tiring I slept in class this semester more than I ever slept in class in my whole life of schooling. I don't know whats happing. I'm feeling more tired, more stressed, more sleepy, more emo, more angry, more angsty. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I tried to be nice but everytime I'm nice people take advantage of it, only when I'm nice, and then I get angry again. I tried to run but my joints hurt everytime I start to run. I tried to diet but I just eat and eat and eat and eat. Rahh. I want to die la. Just yesterday dearest treat me to Marche and I was broke and dear treated me and I felt so bad. I didn't wanna eat anything. The food was so good but the price of the food was like 5 dollars for one bowl of soup. That sucks! and The rest of my stuff and shit and the bill for the both of us was like 50 dollars and I was like so in a bad mood. Then Germaine had to borrow money from us because she ate rib-eye and sausage and soup and drink and she entered with no money from the beginning. Charm was like so pissed with her la can? Every one had to chip in money for her. And I gave the last 10 dollars I had for the rest of my 5 days to her. Now I have zero dollar zero cents in my wallet. Zero dollar zero cents. And Germaine has 2 dollars, and her allowance. I have none. Good also. Can starve, lose some fats. I was still thinking that I could like send dearest home then cab home with the rest of my money plus some borrowed from dearest. But I had to go home because I couldn't send her home with no money. That totally sucks la. At least uncle fetched her home. I went home and had like totally no mood until today I got sugar rush from the Candele stuff that I don't know who bought. At least I could zone today, which was good. But people are getting real substandard these days. I wish I had equipment like them. Then that'll be fun. I'm so god-damnned poor. It must suck to be me. Big, Fat, Ugly, Poor, and like I don't know. Whatever la. School sucks so bad with poor planners. If you have 2 pictures and you can't put them at one in the middle and one at the end. Test screw people up don't you know. Don't you think this semester is a bit packed? Why didn't I go to stage A where It was so slack. The quality of work wasn't so much the people there are more fun loving. Look at this stage. Everyone's stress with your 5 exams 12 tests 5 formal report 3 case study and 2 presentation. And look at the stage B now. Its like 3 formal report and 3 presentation and 3 case study. Look at it. I want to move there where the people don't care so much at about their future. Look at my primary school friends. They're all going to army already. What about me? I don't even have money to cut my long hair. And that totally sucks. Its hot and stuffy and I waste water just to wash my hair. Am I really that poor? My nails are long. I better go cut them. Thanks mich for hearing me rant, and encouraging me every day. Feels really good to have friends like you. As I watch the world fall in to pieces In front of me, I realised that you can just move to avoid the shattering pieces falling from behind you.

I've ranted enough for one day.

2008-12-05T23:28:00.005+08:00

I wish we could always be together, coz' its so fun being with you guys.

Something for you, dearest.

2008-11-27T00:56:00.000+08:00

Here's a letter that I see the need to type it out, don't mind reading this you other readers.

Dear boyfriend,

Probably you may never see this blogpost as a whole, until later in the evening for you never expect me to update a blogpost for the whole entire world to see and openly announce that we're in a relationship; a bond as one but two separate people. You know I never like it, but it's okay - for you, why not ?

I know that it has been stressful for you, to do datasheets and reports - so do I. Even though I know that you haven't been in the best of moods and always keeping silent, but I want to tell you that no matter what, I'll always stand by you and respect your every decision (nearly, i guess). Well, there are many things that I want to say to you, but I can't bring myself to say at all. This stress is equivalent to the murderer of this puny relationship of ours. What happened from the baby love to grow to a big big love ? This is not even growth, in fact I feel it's shrinking to a smaller size sometimes. It's to the extent that Aaron has told me that he sensed cracks in our relationship, and told charm what she'd do if we break up. She told me about it, but I deluded myself from that fact; I don't want to let you go. Even though I'm in a situation whereby I've got scolded by the most crude teacher on Earth and ranted loads of heartfelt stuff in my blog, but you still are significantly in my heart. The love for you from me still glows as ever, but hidden somewhere deep inside where no one knows about and I'm serious with that, dear.

When I saw your monosyllable msnmessenger nickname of Lost, I've realised much enough that I've clouded your path and this relationship might be bringing you to nowhere existent in the world. I've thought myself as a burden to you, I've thought myself as not the best thing that happened to you; I'm more of your worst nightmare instead. When you're lost in life, I can say nothing much about that to bring you back into the right track. Nothing seems to help much, even though with how much advice and concern I give. Maybe it's all a matter of time, but you're not even giving me a sign. You're giving me nothing but silence, and that isn't gonna help to salvage anything much from feeling lost. I want you to stand up on your two feet and find the right path back to the life you once went through with many smiles. I want you to simply, feel like yourself. I don't want you to fall, I want you to rise. Or at least, you know that if you're feeling too lost in a certain adversity and nothing's brightening up, I'll be that torch of light to shine your right path through life.

I want you to know that even though my mum and a few of my circle of people are against our relationship to work out, but here's what i can tell you, right now at this very moment. These sentences ain't sweet talk, but from the heart, so here goes:

I'm willing to be your shoulder to lean on when you're sad though your neck will hurt.
I'm willing to be the punching bag of yours to vent your anger on.
I'm willing to just let you be my burden just to not make you suffer at all in particular.
Even if everyone backs out on you, I'll still be there for you with open arms.

I'll respect and support your every decision, promise.
Simply putting it, I love you dear.

(: I'll see you in class later. Goodbye.

2008-10-15T23:38:00.002+08:00

Just One Moment - Ronin

Don't take too long to say
I love you to the ones you love
Cause time has a habit of slipping away
And out on a clear blue sky
When lightning strikes on a sunny day
Just take me in and keep me from the rain

And the words that seem so hard so say
Come out when you've gone away
Just stay a little while and hear me say

That I want you here tonight
And I need you by my side
For just one more moment
For just one more moment with you

Turn away to say goodbye
With each and every word that passes by
Like a distant memory

And time keeps slipping away
And time will turn to grey
And time will be the one who holds you down

And the words that seem so hard so say
Come out when you've gone away
Just stay a little while and hear me say

That I want you here tonight
And I need you by my side
For just one more moment
For just one more moment with you

Sometimes time will treat you bad
Before you even know what's wrong
And in the end it hits you hard
Please tell me you'll be strong

2008-10-11T02:33:00.003+08:00

As promised, dearest, here is my long long post. See? I so good right? *ahem*

*Clears throat*

Firstly, lets begin by saying, Happy Official 2 Months, dear. Yay. May our baby love grow until a big big love. - ii lurbb euu..(:

Okay these few days have been rather over-eventful, starting with ChuZen's Chalet last Saturday which lasted until Sunday morning, which we crapped and crapped the whole night through, and telling ghost stories to talking about dreams and then to schoolwork and then to sunrises and sunsets. I went off earlier so as to go to church, and I was almost almost late. Not surprising anyway.

Then on Monday, me, Jack and Zheng Heng went to Far East Plaza to buy stuff. I was there to window shop only, but ended up picking clothes for Zheng Heng. We are going to wear nice nice on first day of school lor, - dun pray pray. Anyway, we coeincidently met Mui Hoon and Nuan Qin at Far East, and then after awhile we went to Ngee Ann City then Taka's KFC to sit and eat.

Tuesday was Crazy Ten Dollar KTV Session. There was like 9 people, according to seating arrangments : Si Jing, Qi ming, Me, Zheng Heng, Jack, Muihoon, ChuZen, NuanQin and Nana. Amazing good deal, free flow of drinks and a bowl of sharkfin soup for the small price of 10 dollars. We went crazy there and I learnt how to dance like Luo Zhi Xiang, even when I only know one song of his. We even sang the songs like Mo Li Hua and Yue Liang Dai Biao Wo De Xin, eeyer, so corny.

Wednesday was advance anniversary date, and I put on a new shirt and went to someone's house to pick her. I bluff her and asked her to go back to sleep and when she woke up, I was at her front door already. So bad huh. Then we went out to Pak Tor. Then we went for dinner, as shown in the last post. Okay lah, she was bashing me up over it, she didn't eat all 29 plates la. I ate like 28 and she was modest and at like one. This is the first buffet. Haha. And I sent her home, earilest of all the dates we had so far.

Thursday was PTN Day, and I went to meet her at Bedok Mrt Station, and as usual, she was a little late. Hopefully when school reopens you won't be late okay dear? We went to Somerset station and saw Marcus, Elgin and Shu Hui. And I went to lampost Qiming and SiJing for awhile before meeting Suzanna and NuanQin. Then we met up with Choon Kiat and Zheng Heng at the place, at the 27-ers were all on time, and the 26-ers were in total, half-an-hour late. Anyway, the buffet was okay and stuff. We dropped by Kinokuniya before heading to MuiHoon's house for Mahjong. After that I went to meet my dearest at Dhoby Ghaut Station. Then we headed with JingNi, Wendy and Atiqah to ParkMall to extra and we decided to go to the museum, but by the time we reached there, it was already closed. So sad huh. Then the girls chit chat and take photo and stuff. Then I sent dear home.

Today was Grandma's Birthday, although she no longer can tell when's her birthday. We went to eat at Furama Hotel's Tiffany Cafe for dinner. We waited and waited for our relatives and they came damn bloody late la. Goodness. Whole world must wait for them. Irritating la. The food was good, and that makes it my third buffet this week. Then I went out for a drink and am back home late late late today.

Tomorrow's going to be a visiting day to Faizah's house, and naturally there will be another buffet there again. I'm so going to die of over-eating man.

IVP's coming soon. I better buck up my training.

2008-10-08T23:53:00.003+08:00

Omg. You see how much she ate?

I only drank apple peach thingy thingy.

Tuesday's KTV was a blast. It was a long time since I had my fix of singing. Then there was everyone and there was singing and dancing Luo Zhi Xiang and I learnt a few dance moves from Jack. Was damn high there la please.

Today celebrated advanced 2 mths anniversary with me and dearies. I asked her to put down the phone and go and sleep in the morning, and when she woke up, I was at her door. How irritating can I get? XD

Anyway, Happy 2 mths anniversary dearest, may our love last forever.

I can't get the dance moves of Luo Zhi Xiang out of my head. Haha.

2008-10-02T20:39:00.001+08:00

School's starting soon. Time to start work.

2008-09-28T22:31:00.002+08:00

Victors got a new girlfriend, that means everyone in the house has a potential life partner. That's good. :) Si Min came to my house just now for dinner, and I kept teasing Victor the whole time! So bad of me right, yeah, I know. My girlfriend thinks so too. Ah well, all for good fun. She was like editing victors photos for him, and adding weird effects to his face, and screwing around. Then they went in the room to "Study". *ahem*

Second Anniversary is coming soon, Ahhh! Must think of what to do and where to go and stuff. But I just wanna spend time with her and stuff. Nothing else really matters much. I just wanna hug her and go to sleep. She's comfy.

But lately you've not been yourself haven't you? You've been dredging up the past, talking about emotional stuff a whole lot more than often, but I wanna tell you that I love you, and I wanna be there for you always. Because down where you'll always find me, you'll always have a shoulder to cry on, the strength to carry on, someone you can talk to when you need one, a place to go when you don't have one. Although sometimes commitments are burdensome and it takes time from you, you can be sure that your well-being is still first on my list. When I say I'll give up the world for you, it doesn't mean I have the whole world to give up, it means that even if I have to give up the whole world, I would.

I love you, and I always will.

2008-09-25T22:28:00.002+08:00

You stole my first kiss. That makes you everything to me, and that makes me wanna do everything and anything to make this happen. Sometimes I really feel incompetent and stuff, especially when I'm feeling down, but all it takes is a smile from you, and its all gone. Because to be loved, is like feeling the warmth of the sun in your eyes, and that takes away all my sadness and sorrow. I love you dearest. =)

2008-09-22T19:30:00.003+08:00

Wow. I'm like not enjoying life as an eighteen-year old boy. I'm sunburnt, tired. Well, I did enjoy my eighteenth birthday, lots of people, lots of presents. Thanks for all the presents, people! I did enjoy every single one of them.

Lets recall what I got for my eighteenth birthday.

4 T-shirts.
3 Boxes of Ferrero Rocher, one big one medium one small.
1 Semi-formal shirt from Topman.
1 Jacket from Flexor.
1 Set of One Piece Handphone Chains.
1 Box of Sweets and Goodies.
1 Set of Basketball Jersey and Shorts.
1 Handphone Chain.
2 Bars of Chocolates.
1 Nike Basketball.
1 Red and Black Sweater.
1 Chopper Plushie.
1 SE G900.
1 Girlfriend. :)

The top don't really matter to me, just the last one. She's like everything to me now. I love you, dear. I hope I can make you really really happy, forever and ever. =)

2008-09-17T11:43:00.002+08:00

Stuff that makes my day :

1. Her smile.
2. Nasi Lemak from downstairs my house.
3. Her yawn.
4. Lots and lots of people around me.
5. Presents !
6. Her presence.
7. Phone chatting !
8. Gossiping.

The list goes on.

Wow.

I'm eighteen already.

I feel old.

Sunshine

2008-09-08T00:17:00.004+08:00

I was at Judy and Danny's Wedding the other time, and was really busy helping out with their stuff. Reception and stuff, I'm learning stuff about organizing weddings. Maybe one day it will come in handy, for my own, to help my friend, whichever so.

Out of the many lines spoken in the wedding, I remember these lines the most vividly:

We're always looking for the perfect guy,
And we're always looking for the perfect girl.
In the end, we end up with a less than perfect guy,
And a less than perfect girl.
But its only a less than perfect guy,
And a less than perfect girl,
that can make perfect love.
Because love seeks its perfection,
In imperfection.

Patient, kind, never envious, never boastful, never proud, not rude, not self seeking, not easily angered, never recording wrongs, does not delight in evil but in the truth, always protects, always trust, always hopes and always perseveres. Love never fails.

Suddenly I feel a wave of incompetence. I hope I can do this.

I'd had rather love and not lived than not loved at all.

Hong Kong Mong Kong.

2008-09-06T00:44:00.003+08:00

I've been thinking about you ;

The way you say "Go and die." when I say a whole line of cheezy stuff ;

The way you say "I don't know." when you want something ;

The way you say " 人懂啦。" when I say I love you ;

The way you say "I don't want talk to you already ah." when you want me to start talking ;

The way you say "Boyfriend, you damn wicked." to remind me that I'm to be your perfect guy ;

There's are a billion things about you, some you know, some you don't. Its these little little things that make you in to the person you are. Without your "Pig la you.", things won't be just the same, won't it? All the good points and bad points, I accept you for who you are.

You're perfect in imperfection. Remember that.
If you're still in a bad mood. Remember that if you're not perfect, you still are in my eyes.

P.S. I Love You.

My Pretty Catch.

2008-09-04T12:45:00.005+08:00

Hee hee. Thats my pretty catch for everyone to see. Cute right? Well. Its going to be one month soon, and I'm really stressing out on what to do on our anniversary. Well, I've some thoughts in mind but its not going to come out here, lest she sees it. Right dear? It won't be much of a surprise anymore won't it?

Yesterday she came to my area and we bought muffins~! Six in fact, Blueberry, Strawberry, Cranberry, Banana Walnut, Chocolate Chip and Cheese. Then we bought egg tarts, the one downstairs my house. All of them famous stuff. Well Wendy don't get jealous, coz' I know where the good stuff is. Wahahaha.

Then went to cook for dear, Unagi and Campbell Soup, and Fuselli and White Sauce. Nice ma dear? I know my cooking is terrible but spare me a bit okay? No close up picture. Don't look la. Damn disgusting.

And thanks dear, for all the encouragements, all the scolding, and just for being on the phone, "feeling each other's presence". Well, you're the best thing the has happened to me yet, and I hope you will be the best thing to me forever. Haha. So cheezy.

Shopping was a chore. Skin deep presents and a choice of words kills when you least expected it. Its not the price, its the heart that counts right? You killed the poor girl you know, I'm half enraged and half sympathetic for her. Its digusting. Its like seeing that racoon skinned alive. Its not nice.

Maybe one day I hope we all have love everlasting, and adversities neverending, where the tough get tougher and the weak drag people down with them. I hope we don't throw our dignity away for love, or any such other thing. Coz' somehow I feel it just shows how weak one really can be.

On a lighter note, people should start having gotten my invitations for my birthday chalet. I hope the people I invite can come, coz' I think its quite alot of people for one chalet. Well given me, I'd rather the company more than anything else. Presents are a different thing. Don't go over the budget will do just fine and try very hard not to give me foodstuff. I AM NOT A HUNGRY PERSON. Please don't give me stuff on my wish list, they are very expensive. Thanks.

I need to confirm who's coming on the first day and the second day, I've two days at the chalet. Well, personal preference. Well, people are already booking me on the second day. Well, see how la.

three weeks.

2008-08-30T17:15:00.002+08:00

School's finally at an end. After weeks of remembering things that you will never ever use in life, I'm glad this nightmare is over. I'm now awaiting the next nightmare in October. I'm so not looking forward to being in the same class as 25. Its slightly abhorrent.

I guess these past three weeks have been the most have hectic three weeks of my life, and I should say the most fulfilling three weeks of my life. Happy three week anniversary, love.

So if you don't know, I'm attached to Gillian Gan Li Zhen(don't sold me for using your full name). I'll show you her picture some other time alright? Shes my pretty catch, and I love her with all my heart. Even though I quarrelled with her quite a bit, I still love you okay dear?

Yesterday I went to Cafe Cartel and I'm rather pissed with their food and service, I'm going to send them an email. With Alvin's help of course. I'm also going to ask him which mobile phone to get.

Oh. I'm having a birthday chalet. Details will be up soon. =)

To My Love,

2008-08-16T02:48:00.001+08:00

I'll love you always.

2008-08-11T20:36:00.000+08:00

Cassy~ Don't tell people okayy~

2008-08-07T23:57:00.001+08:00

Nice one, Big guns. Just when I was about to turn back to you, you dragged me back to where I hated you the most.

2008-05-01T23:17:00.000+08:00

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade & I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade & behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in & the conditions were explained to him & he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: " 36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks & tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal & Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious & contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard & pink then comes out soft & sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide & before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down & a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' & ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat & excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief & told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

All By Myself.

2008-04-27T23:14:00.003+08:00

I realized that you can't really write songs well if you feel no emotions, if you listen to too much music, and if you don't reflect about your own life.

I got really inspired by the little love note on Wendy's blog, and I wanted to blog something like that too. But I couldn't find the emotions to, I couldn't find the person I wanted to write to.

They said you're pretty, and I smiled. They said I'd good taste, I told them I'll settle for nothing less, just you. But then again, every time you got too close, I'd back away, and every time you distanced yourself, all I wanted was to see you, just a glimpse of you. I just wanted to see you, not make any contact, much less be anyone in your eyes. You're my new disaster. My new hope. My new pain. My new love.

I wonder when did I lose that much trust in people, much to the point that I'm feeling so lonely. Are you people my new friends, or are you people going to push me down, the same way that the rest have?

I must be stronger, I'm way too weak. There are people who've been through much more than me who can carry a genuine smile on their faces. I can't, therefore I must be stronger. I'd listen to you, Char, even though it seems that everything that you say sounds so difficult, but I must try.

Then again, I wonder, if I'm living for myself or for the people around me, I listen to the songs that tell me that all you have to do is walk towards the end of the dream, that it doesn't matter what other people do or say, all you have to do is follow your heart and you can change yourself. I have always wondered if they're just writing songs for the sake of writing songs. Nothing ever changed.

Every time I tried to stand I fell, every time I tried to walk I stumbled, Every time I lifted my head up high I tripped. What makes this time any different?

I need a shoulder to cry on. A hand to the back of my head. A voice comforting me. A pair of eyes that don't demean me.

Dead Tired.

2008-04-23T21:16:00.002+08:00

Happy birthday fuckface. Whoo~ I hope you like your present. I chose both the figurines and lil' potato chip chose the slippers for you. Anyway, Urahara Kisuke sucks and Zaraki Kenpachi rocks my socks off.

I couldn't find Zaraki Kenpachi's mini figurine with Kusaiji Yachiru, and I was overwhelmed. Anyway, thanks Gil for accompanying me all the way to Suntec to buy those stuff. I brought her to eat donuts at J.CO~ but we couldn't find a place to sit so we went to Gloria Jeans to sit down.

Aside from all that hassle, I really feel happy that I made a new friend. That means more going out and spending money, and less time to do homework. Sheesh.

Deep down inside, I don't know if I should be happy or sad, well, thats a story for another time I guess.

Second to Nothing.

2008-04-21T21:30:00.002+08:00

Its the second week, and I'm tiring out already. My adsorbency is reaching a limit already, and I'm feeling tired. By bag is starting to take a toll on my back, and just mere walking is sapping energy out of me rapidly.

Why am I feeling so tired? The enthusiasm's gone. I'm still trying to create my own resolve. Nicholas is second to nothing.

Still, new friends huh. I'm yet to know the whole class.

I'm dead tired. I don't even have much energy left to blog.

My Unjust Reunification

2008-04-19T21:23:00.003+08:00

My head's spinning. I haven't blogged properly, not since Chinese New Year at least.

After the whole year of trying to learn how not to think, the potato chip has been forcing my thoughts out again. Well, she's my new buddy I guess. I've been talking to her for the past 3 days. She's from KC, no wonder she looks like she's from KC. I think I've seen her before though. Anyway, talking to her's different. Coz' I can just spout random thoughts, and she'd probably understand. You're my first new friend I've made; You're a nice person, I bet my life on it.

Downstair's Nasi Lemak's open again. I swear I will get fat. But seriously, I can already feel my results improving already. Pro right? I know. All my grades have improved by one step. "As pro as a propanol ah, Nick? " And I would say," Propyl-Propanoate."

I wonder if my class would come, if I asked them out on a drinking date on my birthday. Victor says he's going to make me drunk. I'm still waiting for me to get drunk. There'll come a day I guess. Till that day, Nick never got drunk.

I guess I still don't have the emotions to write a crushing essay, such as: "Emotions"or "Ambitions". But I think I'll write a descriptive one of these day. I've so much emotions bottled up. I told Gil I'd write songs, but my thoughts are so messed up. I've lyrics of songs running up and down and up and down. I've lost my own thoughts. My own thoughts.

Influences in music. Everyone who learnt music, learnt it for somebody right? Some learnt the piano because they wanted to play Kevin Kern. I learnt piano because I was rather forced to, and so I lost interest pretty easily. I want to improve my electric for Josh and Joshua from The Firefight, but then again, if the band one day stops, does that mean that I will stop too? Anyway, its wrong to say that anyone plays wrongly, because they have their own music influences. If my influences and your influences are different, its just a conflict of interest. It doesn't mean I'm playing too loud, or you're playing the right way. It just means we have to work together to create our own sound, thats all.

With each relationship broken, or a new relationship gained, you learn something. What you will learn, you never know, it just comes to you naturally. Once bitten twice shy or anything else could be picked up. But it doesn't all the time mean you are a better person. It just means you've changed. I don't think I've changed for the better. The more times I fall, I pick myself up, I look forward, but yet all I do is get weary and get wary. Its tiring me out, I've become bitter and filled myself with so much hatred. I've no idea what good it has done for me, but maybe if I knew, I wouldn't feel this way would I.

I keep telling myself,"Don't fall in Love, Silly." But again and again, I fall in love, deeper and deeper in love. Even with you. I'm tired of games and I don't wanna be friends. But somehow, somehow it always calls out to me saying,"Shes the one." I watched myself turn from a happy, chatty person into a person with multiple faces and a hell of an alter ego. I change my face in front of different people, but do what extent can I keep it up? A masquerade that I can't keep up, in the end of the show, I'm one lonely star. Should I take a bow, and be someone I really am, or should I treat this like the climax of the show? I know I'm not a easily likable person, like Nana said. Probably to understand me takes a long long time, months, even years.

What then should I do? I get dizzy and my mind shouts, "What should I do next?" repeatedly again and again right into my ear when I'm feeling insecure. I hate that feeling. If it lasted anything more than five minutes, I'll go insane right in front of you. Whats with you Nick? Where was the time you walked tall? Is this the way I'm going to end my life? Somethings have got to change around here.

On a slightly lighter note,

Nick has discovered how to teach plant reproduction : Eat ladies' finger and look at your stool. :)

2008-04-14T21:04:00.002+08:00

Fuck. I hate that freaking feeling that shouts to me, "She's the ONE~!"

Still, I see her almost everyday. I just hope she's not attached. Or not going to be attached anytime soon. Rawr.

My my, Charles Xavier's in our class, and he's teaching the Pro Shit. All modules look freaking hard this semester la. Then our class is in a mess, with the class rep being more emo than me I think. I should have been the class rep, then everything would be easier. Lol. Dats what I call effective management, at least to myself. Anyway, everything in this paragraph is crap, coz' if you take the first letter of every sentence in to consideration, it means something else.

2008-04-13T23:24:00.000+08:00

Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?

Randomness Uncalled for

2008-02-27T02:20:00.001+08:00

Am I that proud?

2008-02-14T00:36:00.000+08:00

Name: Nicholas
Date: 2/13/2008
Colorgenics Number: 73106524

Is it that you are working - or even playing - too hard? Because it would seem that you are experiencing a great deal of pent-up emotion at this time which could possibly take effect and lead to irrational behaviour.

Being a somewhat gentle, emotional and sensitive person, you are at this time experiencing a considerable amount of tension. What you really need is someone who can be close to you and to listen to what you have to say.

You give the impression that you are a self-sufficient individual, pretending that you are stoical - indifferent to pain or pleasure. But this is not so, for in truth you are an extremely emotional person, one that may make hasty decisions and perhaps repent at leisure. It is time now perhaps to break the bond of detachment and become the real 'you' - the you that you would like to be.

You are experiencing more than your fair share of stress following an acute disappointment. This may be the result of subconscious conflict between hope and necessity. The tension that you are experiencing following your unfulfilled hopes have given rise to anxious uncertainty. You have no doubt that things could get better in the future and so you refuse to make the necessary essential decisions. This conflict between hope and necessity is creating considerable pressure. Instead of resolving this by facing up to making the essential decisions, you are likely to vacillate and concern yourself with trivialities of little consequence.

At this time you don't particularly like yourself. Everything that you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong. This makes you feel that there is no point in trying to start again. Apart from being stressed and tense, you are angry with yourself and have unadmitted self-contempt. Your refusal to admit that you and you alone is the basic cause of your problems leads to you adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude. If you take stock of yourself, smile a little and let go, everything will turn out OK. Have you not heard of the cliche 'smile and the world smiles with you - cry and you cry alone!'?

2008-02-11T23:28:00.001+08:00

"What's with these 'greater goals'? Are they really your goals? Didn't someone just dump them on you? Thats why I'm saying you're no good. Loyalty to someone is different from depending upon them. It isn't even interesting to fight someone who doesn't have his own goals. But you chose to come after me. Wasn't that a display of your own will? The power you gain was all in order to defeat me. The power comes from your grudge. Why not try giving all your strength to that end?" - Zaraki Kenpachi

Chinese New Year

2008-02-07T01:13:00.000+08:00

Imagine you were bathing, ignoring the fire works and the immense noise outside, and suddenly, a red spark flies into your bathroom. I think that will be like wow.

Anyway, today's day has been exceptionally fruitful and fattening. I manage to own with almost any hero given with me today, besides that, I got a new pair of black shoes and a I pigged out at reunion dinner again.

Todays reunion dinner was seriously alot of food. Besides the immense amount that was set out for steamboating, there were also cooked food, and a party of seven couldn't finish up, we ate like only half.

Mom cooked the chicken and the eight treasure dunno what dish. Still I think reunion dinners are a gigantic waste of money. Anyway I'm supposed to wear my new clothes out tomorrow, and I think I'm going to be more of an insult to my stuff than anything else.

Stuff to do after Chinese New Year: Apply for job and Changi Airport, Ask about timing for Faizah, Sign up for Muay Thai classes. So much to do...

Day Before Chinese New Year

2008-02-06T00:20:00.000+08:00

Well, Its been so fucking wasted in front of the computer playing C&C3, and pigging out and proving that my skeleton king wins victor's faceless void. Cool huh. By the way I did win.

Anyway, I'm blogging right now coz' Shyan Juang's busy reading her Shojo Manga and she's leaving me alone. Hmmph. I didn't even know such things existed la. It writes on wikipedia that its a Manga for Girls between the age of 10 - 18 and consists of a girl protagonist and is a probably an erotic love story.

I'm here dying of boredom, and I'm through reading blogs. Theres a funny comparison of people's photo and Chuck Norris, and how both guys and gals lose to Chuck Norris's manliness. I wonder where I'd get inspiration for these sort of things. My post are like so boring and wordy. Aren't they?

Speaking of which, I'd end my blog post here because the past 2 days ones were really long. Well, syonara.

Promises.

2008-02-04T22:51:00.000+08:00

Fuck. I broke a whole bunch of promises today. Lets start with one at roughly 12.30am last night, when I broke a promise to take a bath before I fall asleep on the bed. Then in the morning, I broke a promise to go running today. In maple, I broke a promise to collect 300 jr. pepe's fishes for someone, and a promise to level up by today. Then I broke a promise to do the housework today. If anyone has a request to learn how to break promises, you're welcome to have me as a private tutor.

Well, there's a whole bunch of stuff I'm yet to do, and tasks unfulfilled. I just don't know where to begin.

I think I'll go work with Jia Hong at Airport ba. 950 per month + 2-3 hundred of allowances a month as well. Shyan Juang's encouraging me to go for it as we speak. Well, I guess I'll go for the interview once Chinese New Year's over.

Speaking of which, she's blabbering on and on of how powerful she would be, if she was in bleach, or in One-Piece. Well, she sure can imagine, can't she? She wants me to work for her then too. Haha. Sure thing gal. Oh my nnp.(Victor doesn't want me to say God, because its blasphemous, goodness because it refers to God, and fuck because its vulgar, so it has to be oh my neh neh pok.) She says betrayal is punishable by death.

Today went to vivo with Jason and ~~renjin~~ Jing Jing. I was bored at home so I went out to find them. Then it wasn't much better, at first I was eating cookies at subway, then went went to Carl's Jr. to have dinner. With my new advancement in fast food entertainment, Thriple Western Bacon Cheese burger with Chilli beef cheese fries. As I was doing something else, I ate slowly and I almost wasn't able to finish. I know you'll go like "Omg~~ Nick's full~! Omg Omg" but hello, I'm human.

Then we went window shopping and as usual when Jing Jing's aroind we tease her with whatever's in a shop. So yeah, there was a guy thong, then I say I'd buy it for her. Lucky she said like no, so I don't actually have to buy it. Its bloody ex, for a minute piece of cloth. Bata at Vivo city doesn't have my size, like what the hell. So I have to go to Peninsulwa to buy although i can't wait to go Peninsula of Malaysia to buy more stuff, I'm still looking forward to the June trip to Thailand for shopping. That's the real reason I'm working.

There's this Jap Song from D.Gray-Man that I really like, its lyrics are really encouraging. Here it is.

To the Next Part of Your Dream

In the light that spills out from a gap in the clouds, that seemed so dazzling
I suddenly held my hand up over my head, my weaknesses seeming to be transparent

Just by being envious, I would always pretend to give up
But my feelings rage, so I'm again lead astray

Everyone gets frustrated
But all you can do is just move on, with your own two feet
I wander about and worry too, when I'm like that
I wonder what sort of future will have?

Destroy that interfering unease
Break it apart, with your hands that are clenched into fists
Carve in that pain, yes, dive into it
The next part of your unending dream

It looks like I've lost sight of what reality is
And whether or not the path that I choose is right or not

When I carry myself in a cheerful manner, loneliness crosses over
What sort of face is the real me making?

People can't help but be sad
Seeking something, I continue to search
Struggling like that, yet surely
You'll cut through to the future that you will have

Don't stand still, and lose your way
Somewhere, we're certainly connected
Don't run away, just quietly touch your hopes
In the next part of your unending dream

The things that that I'm desperately holding fast to
My uselessly expanding pride
And everything, at this point
I'm going to try and throw it all away
And then, try starting all over again

Everyone gets frustrated
But all you can do is just move on, with your own two feet
I wander about and worry too, when I'm like that
I wonder what sort of future will have?

Destroy that interfering unease
Break it apart, with your hands that are clenched into fists
Carve in that pain, yes, dive into it
The truth is, you believe in yourself more than that
To the next part of your unending dream

Right Words.

2008-02-03T22:53:00.000+08:00

I think its hard to come out with right words. Whether its a title, or just a random string of words. I lack the innovation to come out with anything I want, be it writing lyrics for a song, saying something to the girl I like, or even finding the title to my blog post. Everyone thinks I've talent with the language, except for me. I feel this way, coz' I'm not able to put in words the way I feel. I don't like that.

I just finished Moyashimon, and I'm starting Kannon. Moyashimon's a fantasy based story based on a boy who can see bacteria and talk to them as well. Several twists and side stories but everything ended in eleven episodes. Still, its cute.

I have to say that the guys drawing Kannon and Clannad are damn good. The anime girls are so cute, although the story line's pretty random. I wish I could be like that guy, because he always knows what to say, at the right time. Sigh. If not for my mouth, I don't think I will be where I am right now.

'Keep me company kays?' Is all I can say, coz' I'm pretty lonely right now.

Next Wednesday, Timbre at Substation, Saturday, one Dinner, Sunday is Shyan's party. Should I go? Its just like me. I'm not going to know anyone if I go. Should I, Should I, Should I? Visa if you're reading this you better get the guitar from me quick.

Of M&Ms and Snow Biscuts.

2008-02-02T23:41:00.000+08:00

Today's really crap. I was out since 9 plus and back at 11 pm at night. With cell group in the morning every Saturday, its kinda wasting my sleeping time. And Chingay's really killing me. So pai-seh lah, seeing Nick Chan and Nigel at the People's association, and I'm dressed in tights and that stupid costume.

Well, I knew a whole lot of new friends because of that Chingay Parade. Especially a new good friend, Shyan Juan. Her crazy ethics and her light-heartedness really sparks life in to an ever boring routine. She's got a website for people to download Jap music too. Cool huh. I wish I had one too. Then again, what would I do with it?

Shirley was alright in the afternoon, but when it came to the night time, she got all quiet and stuff. I guess she was tired or something ba. I heard she got sick on Thursday and went for a Barbecue yesterday and slept past two. Well, get well soon kays?

My shoes are damn Holey la. They have like holes at the bottom, and so when I stepped on a puddle, the water would go in. And today it was raining. So my socks were like soaked to the core la. It was damn uncomfortable, and I had to wear it like from 6 - 11. Spare me.

I was looking around for Chu Zen but I didn't see her. She performing with SOKA I guess. Didn't even catch a glimpse of her. She's performing on the 13th at Takashimaya as well. I'll be down there, I don't know if anyone else wants to go. I doubt so. Whoo~ Go Urban Passion. I never even see them before la please.

Levan's blog is damn funny la. Everyone who is offensive should go and read and have a glimpse of what life from a different perspective is about. That bloody albino is damn proply-propanoate.

Well, I'll stop here today. Goodnite everyone.

After a Long Time...

2008-02-01T22:33:00.000+08:00

So after a long long time, I decide to blog again. And I mean blog properly, and try not to give one word essays already. Anyway, my life pretty messed up, and I really am picking up the pieces one by one, and at the same time, arranging them so that I can be better, I guess.

There are some changes to my blog. Firstly, I've updated the song on my blog, to my favorite firefight song - Hours. And I've moved down my friend test to below everything else. I'm thinking of removing it because no one tries my friend test nowadays. Crap. The test wasn't that easy to do anyway, you must really know me for at least 5 years to get above 50% and above without lucky guesses. I'm thinking of linking everyone I know, but that will be tedious. Well, its not like I've anything to do anyway.

I'm spending my time, watching the days go by. I'm still job less, although I've some prospectives, such as Shangrila, Kiat ling's Japanese restaurant in Clark Quay, and some others I guess. Royal Copenhagen doesn't need part timers, so I guess I won't be working there. Haha. I'm destined to be a waiter for my part time job.

I just watched d.gray-man to the present episode, and at first, I thought it was pretty boring, but recent episodes just made it really interesting. With traces from bleach and claymore. Well, its hard to create a whole new world by yourself I guess.

I finished Clannad to 16, and its super-kawaii. The characters are so cute and the story line is random, but its generally a great show to watch. Fu-chan kawaii ne. Although I feel its pretty serious for a childish show.

Well, I think I shall stop here for today. Can't expect me to blog out everything in one shot right? Catch y'all la'er.

2008-01-31T21:47:00.000+08:00

I've no idea what to blog about. But I'm going to give it a shot.

2008-01-24T22:03:00.000+08:00

sigh

People and Spaces

2008-01-22T21:23:00.000+08:00

People and Spaces - The Firefight

Coz' if you ever felt this way before,
Two lovers on the end of ocean shores.
So close but you cannot hide,
All the continents all share the day and night.

My love, its all right.

Maybe I will never be the same,
So close but yet so far away.
I'll build you a place sometime,
You're here with me tonight.

My love, its all alright.

Its warm down here on the other side,
I'm waiting by the phone tonight.
So call home to me,
Call home.

Kick a barrel on the old gum tree,
She sees you a child beneath her wings.
You'll find her just outside,
Beneath the pale moonlight.

My love, its all alright.

Should you ever have to feel the cold,
Todays and the nights could seem to be so long.
Don't worry my love don't you cry,
You're safe with me tonight.

So the world is alright,
My love, its all alright.

Its warm down here on the other side,
So I'm waiting by the phone tonight.
So come home to me,
Come home.

Its warm down here on the other side,
So I'm waiting by the phone tonight.
So come home to me,
Come home.

2008-01-18T20:14:00.000+08:00

Anyone nice enough and free enough to accompany me to go watch fire fight at timbre on the 23rd?
Thats next Wednesday.

2008-01-08T22:14:00.000+08:00

Never leave my heart, Firefight.

2008-01-02T21:18:00.000+08:00

I really should have a wish list, but it'll only consist of one thing, you.
You say she's not avoiding me, and I believe you.

2007-12-28T08:44:00.000+08:00

Misunderstand. Misunderstanding. Misunderstood.

2007-12-25T00:02:00.001+08:00

The unbearable pain is back again.