Captured Thought Diarrhoea

I really ought to die. Things have NOT been going well for me as of late. The first 4 weeks were excellent. Everything was going according to plan, smoothly. Then everything snapped. It felt like a fall, then a roll back downhill. It hasn't been a fun time for me.

Besides screwing up my micro-biology practical, handing in pathetic results, lacking behind in studies, and just screwing up my RWP Test just now, I feel jaded. Seriously jaded. I'm tired of acting cool, I'm tired of screwing around with my class, I feel tired. I need a break. Mr. Tang's right. The smile suddenly changes into a frown after awhile when the projects start pouring in. I miss having someone around me to share my sorrow. Its lonely after class you know?

I always have the enthusiastic feeling when ever I think I'm going to go for training. An hour before training, good feeling's gone. Jaded I tell you, the word is jaded. I think I'm lying to myself if say I don't want to go back to my old ways. I just want to seclude my alter ego inside me. I want to be the good guy this time. Its just not working for me. Somehow.

I don't mean anything I say, really. So if I called you names, insulted you. "suan-ed" you in class, or even put you in one of my self created class scandals. I hereby apologize. But this doesn't mean I'm going to stop here huh. I'm just saying I'm crapping around. This isn't a conclusion. I'm just apologizing to you guys first.

I really find blogging such a leisure nowadays. So many thoughts running through my heads. So little time to pen them down. Blogging shouldn't be writing down what you ate, where you slept, who you went out with, and other daily activities, but more importantly, your feelings and thoughts about a certain event. Blogging shouldn't be a five minute burst of feelings, but more importantly a time of self reflection.

" I think I'm going to fail Bio," Qi Ming ( Score 99.5/100 ) - Joke of the month

It hasn't been a good day.

Dead Tired.

Vomited three times during pull-ups today. Sometimes I really wonder if I should be a nice guy, and help others carry their weight whilst doing their exercises. I really wonder if I should have joined canoeing, where it is every man for himself. Dragon Boat's changing me. I can feel it, slowly, steadily. I just hope I don't compromise on my studies, in exchange for a new body.

"We row, we row together. We enjoy, we enjoy together. We suffer, we suffer together. We do things, we do together. We win, We win together. We're in Dragon Boat. We're in this together."

Hell Yeah to that Ruben. Well, frankly, I hope I survive through this. Seriously. I'm coming home real dead tired after trainings. 80 pull-ups, 1.2km run, weights training then 150 push-ups. Your hands can really just give way after 20 push-ups.

God damn it. I don't know why. I have so many thoughts running through my head. But a somehow, I just can't catch hold one of these thoughts long enough for me to pen it down, write it in words.

Oh. Hi Secret lover, I have 11.11% of guessing who you are. Why? Because. First. You don't know me enough. Second. I pay attention. =)

What's with that scorn written all over your face? Just take me as invisible if you really don't want to see me or hear from me.

I'm going to market my Mirari, my Electromagnetic floating lamp. It's not hot. Its not fashion. Its cool. Its sleek. Its designer.

Shit. I'm starting to get obsessed with homework.

Under the Stars

I've undergone 4 dragon boat trainings now. We start training at 5.30pm sharp, then end some where between 8.30 to 9.30 at night. Each time we do outdoor training. I always watch the sky when I run, how beautiful it is to watch the evening sky, then to twilight, then to the pitch black of the night. Somehow, It makes training worthwhile. Besides that, its really useful in telling how much more training we have to endure before we can go back home.

I always told Cass we don't see stars in Singapore because of the amount of light pollution from the street lights that we have. Scratch that. I saw the stars, 3 times at that. ( We were having gym training one time, so I couldn't see the sky. ) Well, I hope she doesn't care now. I fully am aware that I deserve it. I wish I could turn back the hands of time. I so wish I could.

Rain, its your birthday today. The model of your present is in my mind. The sad part is that I still don't have the guts to take it up to you. Such a loser ain't I. You mentioned sometimes you read my blog. Well, to tell you the truth. I was really happy that you did. Given our current circumstances, its will be as hard as asking Cass to forgive me. Freeze that moment when I had you. That dream shattered, everything went downhill after that. I'm still trying to pick the pieces. Wouldn't I want to stop time at that moment?

Xin Hui. I can assure you that you don't read my blog. Its been exactly a week since you last sent me an sms. Haha. You're only 13. You probably aren't even thinking straight yet. Since you're still young, let me tell you something about lovers. Lets start with lovers need each other. Like food for the heart, you can't live without it. A friend says, "If you ever need anything, I'll be there." A Lover says, "You'll never need anything, I'll be there." How much can I say either of us as tried or accomplished that. Its not going to work out. Thats what I can tell you. If you still can't understand, it means I want a breakup.

But Fuck you Nick. Who the hell do you think you are? Love doctor? You're a piece of god damned Fucking Trash until I say otherwise. Its not like you're in some type of successful relationship. So stop acting like you're good. Because you just aren't good enough.

"SP~ Dragons~! One~ Stroke~! One~ Heart~! SP~ Hoo-ya~!!" - SP Dragon Boat cheer

2 Hours 36 minutes later...

2 Hours and 36 Minutes later, it'll be Rain's birthday. I'll send her a birthday message, talk to her a Lil' bit, think about her for the rest of the day, get pissed off that she's never with me, be in a foul mood the rest of the time, go home, then contemplate suicide. Cool right. I don't know if I'm stereotyping, but I can see the people who scorn at me being so happy, feeling so righteous. I'm fighting this alone. Coz' everyone has no faith in me in getting her back. The best part is, I don't have that much faith either. I'm fighting a losing battle. Me versus my God-Damned Pride.

I don't know if my class is working out right. Something tells me that there's no point in trying so hard. They don't appreciate you. Much more. They don't appreciate it. I'm not The Apprentice. I can't go around searching for $15 dollar jackets and printing. I don't like I cheap goods. I detest low quality goods. Not when I want it Grand. You're in God Damn Poly. Can you people have some class. Irritating. Its easy to blow it up. If you have the capital. I can't pre-order something nice. Have you tried searching for jackets? Without any inside information, its searching for hell underneath your backyard.

I take serious pride in the company I am with. I am willing to sacrifice for the ones I call my friends. I am willing to die for the ones I love. For that, I am willing.

I ain't gaining as much as I expected. I'll follow a strict regime from now on. No Fucking Slacking now. Idiotic. Eight pack? I intend to slam dunk by the end of the year.

" You should start with the hardest part. And that is to forgive... Yourself " - Aunt May - Spiderman III

I wouldn't forget, would I? I so wish we could just make everything disappear and just start back from square one.