All By Myself.

I realized that you can't really write songs well if you feel no emotions, if you listen to too much music, and if you don't reflect about your own life.

I got really inspired by the little love note on Wendy's blog, and I wanted to blog something like that too. But I couldn't find the emotions to, I couldn't find the person I wanted to write to.

They said you're pretty, and I smiled. They said I'd good taste, I told them I'll settle for nothing less, just you. But then again, every time you got too close, I'd back away, and every time you distanced yourself, all I wanted was to see you, just a glimpse of you. I just wanted to see you, not make any contact, much less be anyone in your eyes. You're my new disaster. My new hope. My new pain. My new love.

I wonder when did I lose that much trust in people, much to the point that I'm feeling so lonely. Are you people my new friends, or are you people going to push me down, the same way that the rest have?

I must be stronger, I'm way too weak. There are people who've been through much more than me who can carry a genuine smile on their faces. I can't, therefore I must be stronger. I'd listen to you, Char, even though it seems that everything that you say sounds so difficult, but I must try.

Then again, I wonder, if I'm living for myself or for the people around me, I listen to the songs that tell me that all you have to do is walk towards the end of the dream, that it doesn't matter what other people do or say, all you have to do is follow your heart and you can change yourself. I have always wondered if they're just writing songs for the sake of writing songs. Nothing ever changed.

Every time I tried to stand I fell, every time I tried to walk I stumbled, Every time I lifted my head up high I tripped. What makes this time any different?

I need a shoulder to cry on. A hand to the back of my head. A voice comforting me. A pair of eyes that don't demean me.

Dead Tired.

Happy birthday fuckface. Whoo~ I hope you like your present. I chose both the figurines and lil' potato chip chose the slippers for you. Anyway, Urahara Kisuke sucks and Zaraki Kenpachi rocks my socks off.

I couldn't find Zaraki Kenpachi's mini figurine with Kusaiji Yachiru, and I was overwhelmed. Anyway, thanks Gil for accompanying me all the way to Suntec to buy those stuff. I brought her to eat donuts at J.CO~ but we couldn't find a place to sit so we went to Gloria Jeans to sit down.

Aside from all that hassle, I really feel happy that I made a new friend. That means more going out and spending money, and less time to do homework. Sheesh.

Deep down inside, I don't know if I should be happy or sad, well, thats a story for another time I guess.

Second to Nothing.

Its the second week, and I'm tiring out already. My adsorbency is reaching a limit already, and I'm feeling tired. By bag is starting to take a toll on my back, and just mere walking is sapping energy out of me rapidly.

Why am I feeling so tired? The enthusiasm's gone. I'm still trying to create my own resolve. Nicholas is second to nothing.

Still, new friends huh. I'm yet to know the whole class.

I'm dead tired. I don't even have much energy left to blog.

My Unjust Reunification

My head's spinning. I haven't blogged properly, not since Chinese New Year at least.

After the whole year of trying to learn how not to think, the potato chip has been forcing my thoughts out again. Well, she's my new buddy I guess. I've been talking to her for the past 3 days. She's from KC, no wonder she looks like she's from KC. I think I've seen her before though. Anyway, talking to her's different. Coz' I can just spout random thoughts, and she'd probably understand. You're my first new friend I've made; You're a nice person, I bet my life on it.

Downstair's Nasi Lemak's open again. I swear I will get fat. But seriously, I can already feel my results improving already. Pro right? I know. All my grades have improved by one step. "As pro as a propanol ah, Nick? " And I would say," Propyl-Propanoate."

I wonder if my class would come, if I asked them out on a drinking date on my birthday. Victor says he's going to make me drunk. I'm still waiting for me to get drunk. There'll come a day I guess. Till that day, Nick never got drunk.

I guess I still don't have the emotions to write a crushing essay, such as: "Emotions"or "Ambitions". But I think I'll write a descriptive one of these day. I've so much emotions bottled up. I told Gil I'd write songs, but my thoughts are so messed up. I've lyrics of songs running up and down and up and down. I've lost my own thoughts. My own thoughts.

Influences in music. Everyone who learnt music, learnt it for somebody right? Some learnt the piano because they wanted to play Kevin Kern. I learnt piano because I was rather forced to, and so I lost interest pretty easily. I want to improve my electric for Josh and Joshua from The Firefight, but then again, if the band one day stops, does that mean that I will stop too? Anyway, its wrong to say that anyone plays wrongly, because they have their own music influences. If my influences and your influences are different, its just a conflict of interest. It doesn't mean I'm playing too loud, or you're playing the right way. It just means we have to work together to create our own sound, thats all.

With each relationship broken, or a new relationship gained, you learn something. What you will learn, you never know, it just comes to you naturally. Once bitten twice shy or anything else could be picked up. But it doesn't all the time mean you are a better person. It just means you've changed. I don't think I've changed for the better. The more times I fall, I pick myself up, I look forward, but yet all I do is get weary and get wary. Its tiring me out, I've become bitter and filled myself with so much hatred. I've no idea what good it has done for me, but maybe if I knew, I wouldn't feel this way would I.

I keep telling myself,"Don't fall in Love, Silly." But again and again, I fall in love, deeper and deeper in love. Even with you. I'm tired of games and I don't wanna be friends. But somehow, somehow it always calls out to me saying,"Shes the one." I watched myself turn from a happy, chatty person into a person with multiple faces and a hell of an alter ego. I change my face in front of different people, but do what extent can I keep it up? A masquerade that I can't keep up, in the end of the show, I'm one lonely star. Should I take a bow, and be someone I really am, or should I treat this like the climax of the show? I know I'm not a easily likable person, like Nana said. Probably to understand me takes a long long time, months, even years.

What then should I do? I get dizzy and my mind shouts, "What should I do next?" repeatedly again and again right into my ear when I'm feeling insecure. I hate that feeling. If it lasted anything more than five minutes, I'll go insane right in front of you. Whats with you Nick? Where was the time you walked tall? Is this the way I'm going to end my life? Somethings have got to change around here.

On a slightly lighter note,

Nick has discovered how to teach plant reproduction : Eat ladies' finger and look at your stool. :)

Fuck. I hate that freaking feeling that shouts to me, "She's the ONE~!"

Still, I see her almost everyday. I just hope she's not attached. Or not going to be attached anytime soon. Rawr.

My my, Charles Xavier's in our class, and he's teaching the Pro Shit. All modules look freaking hard this semester la. Then our class is in a mess, with the class rep being more emo than me I think. I should have been the class rep, then everything would be easier. Lol. Dats what I call effective management, at least to myself. Anyway, everything in this paragraph is crap, coz' if you take the first letter of every sentence in to consideration, it means something else.

Eloi, Eloi, lama sabachthani?