Friends.

Most of us watched to TV serial, Friends. Interesting show. I might as well add I like Joey the best. Coz' he's the funniest. All of us have friends. And friends care for one another. Some relationships grow to become love, but I'm not here to talk about love. For one. A friend cares about what you do and wear or eat. Sometimes they don't show it. Because they don't want to hurt your feelings and so on. Yeah. They exist in all our lives. But how long do they actually last?

Sometimes people around me give me a feeling of insecurity, and that they might just leave you in the lurch, or leave you and join someone else clique. They always do don't they. Just a week ago I was going out with Kenny and Cassy almost everyday. Now. This friendship is kind of dead already. It has hardly been a month. Things change. People change. Lives change. We're just another part of the fucked up cycle the world has put us through. And friends are all we got left when it is all over.

Sometimes I've the feeling I've been too harsh on people. My church mates. My net mates. My brothers. I even feel that I've been to harsh on Godwin. I mean, I don't even know who you are and I criticize you twenty-four seven. I despised you when you could only buy Cassy a chocolate for Valentines. But then again. You had only two dollars with you. Technically, you spent all you had on Cassy. That's a hundred percent. I with like a thousand bucks in my bank, couldn't give something nice to Rain on Valentines. Ahh, well. I hereby eat back all the insults I threw at Godwin. I am no better.

Somehow. I feel that few, could bring a lasting smile to my face. My brothers could make me laugh. My friends could have me a stomach ache from laughing, but few could make a smile last on my face. Am, you were once one of them. Rain is one of them. But when she makes me smile, she makes my heart ache as well. Cassy can keep my smile there, whether or not it really is. Xin Hui, you never cease to amaze me, and for that, I can smile.

Charmaine chatted with me on Msn yesterday night. I feel i think one and a half hours, she really taught me a lot about life. Cleared up a whole lot of feelings I kept bottled inside. She's really a God-send.

Xin Hui. Although you may not always be in my mind all the time. I intend on keeping this relationship alive. The flame flickers. I intend to litter the flame with kerosene and wood. Roar with passion. And save me from the alter-ego trying to escape back to the side of someone else. Still. I think you're super cute. You just sent me a message, saying," Yeah... Euu dunn sleep so late argh... if nort I angry derR... " You're like mega cute.

I found out also that you can learn a million and a half things from the show the Lord of The Rings. I was watching it the whole of today. And I think I'll share about it in my next post. Till then.

"I doubt I'd get heart attack anytime soon - I'm far from overweight, I exercise 5 times a week. I like swimming. Hmm. Actually its not that difficult for me to get heart attack. I'd just have to eat my brother's cooking for one week." - Andrew

Life. De Way It Is.

Just when I thought things will all settle down, sort themselves out. I was smacked back out of dreamland again. The hand phone messages stopped coming. Why do you want it this way. Do you know it hurts when you love and not get loved back? I don't know why I'm continuing this with you. Sometimes I'd rather jump out of the window, be free for one second, then live my life in such pain and suffering.

And of all things. Parents who couldn't care less. Don't blame me for not coming back home. Its not my home, its your house. Its not a home, its a shack. Two words for you. Fuck you. If you don't want to help, say so. Don't beat around the bush. If you want me out of the house, say so. Don't hesitate. I do not care. I get a better response from the friends that I don't even know they look like, than my father and mother. Pathetic.

Someone told me this. You don't need to be with someone, Nick. You don't need someone to complete you, because you, on your own, are already complete. You can escape from the world, now, but you'll have to crash back into reality one day. And as you grow older, a lot of things, I mean, a whole lot, will not go your way, or least, the way you expect it to be. The world's full of shit, society's decayed. But somehow, we have to just deal with the shit and move on. Reality sucks, totally, but sadly, we can't escape from it. You're not the only one. I can confidently tell you, every single person, feels this way. I used to question, question on why things happen, why must we suffer, why things can't be perfect, why God can't make us happy all the while and all that. But i gave up questioning, I don't know why. I got too tired, too tired of trying to stand after every fall, each time, harder than the previous But I'm still where I am, and now no matter how hard I fall, I don't feel anything anymore. Maybe I'll just cry, or be very depressed, but after awhile, I'll feel nothing. Just plain numbness.

"Life sucks. Yea it does, but sadly, it doesn't wait for us to pick ourselves up. Just accept the crap and move on." - Charmaine

Trust.

I once heard a story about a man who was driving along a deserted stretch of road. He had been driving in his car for hours, and his throat was dry and his voice, hoarse. He drove and saw a roadside stall selling water melons. He stopped and got out of his car, walked to the stall keeper, and asked him, "How much for a watermelon?" The answer came swift and quick. "A dollar ten cents." "I only have a dollar with me now. Can I pay you the next time I come around?" The man said. "Sure," came the stall keeper's reply.

As the man picked up the watermelon, and was going to smash it on a nearby rock to get it open, the stall keeper shouted, "Wait! Aren't you going to pay me the dollar?" The man replied, "Couldn't you trust me on that one?" The stall keeper exclaimed, "I trust you on the ten cents, but pay me the one dollar before you eat the watermelon."

The man returned the watermelon back to the stall owner and said, "My trust to you is only worth ten cents. The gamble you're willing to take is that small. You can't even wait for me to finish my watermelon before paying you that dollar. I can't eat such a watermelon, that reduces the price of my trust to a mere ten cents."

Likewise. We don't blame you for leaving halfway, unless you're running off to play LAN or pool or something. We all have difficult times. Its just the way we choose to handle things. We'll try to help you in any way we can i guess.

"All good chefs are fat. DON'T listen to Jamie Oliver. He doesn't eat his food." - Andrew's blog

One Last Kiss.

A tear trickled down her pink cheeks. She closed her eyes tightly as she dug her head deeper into his chest. Her smooth hands gripped tighter and tighter around his waist and the yellow rose in full bloom. The uncut thorns from the rose bit into her fingers. It didn't matter. Words filled her mouth, yet all that came out were mere murmurs to the ear. His hands were loose around her waist. The distance evident, they were so near, yet so far. Her teeth gritted, gnashing. Tears strolled down her beautiful face.

His eyes looked forward, standing tall, hiding the pain, fear and heartache he felt. "Its okay," he uttered. "Its going to be alright." Tears never did stop flowing down from the corners of her red eyes. As his hands caressed her soft hair, he lifted up her head slowly, till their eyes met. In a quick motion, their lips made contact. To her, it was bittersweet, like a piece of dark chocolate. An unprecedented jolt went through their bodies, as their lips broke their connection.

Trembling, she let go of his waist. He turned to leave. She raised her hand to stop him, but he was already too far away. She opened her mouth to call out to him, but no words came out of her mouth. She tried to run after him, but her legs stood rooted to the ground. she dropped to her knees, and burst out to tears again, as the one deemed heartless walked into the shadows. She was left to fend for herself, against the world, alone.

A teardrop fell from the his eye, whilst his back was turned to her, so she would not see him cry.

"To love is to feel the sun from both sides." - David Viscott

The Real Deal.

Embody pain. Acknowledge its existence. Feel its presence. Then. You will fear it not. Live in pain and you will learn to tolerate it.

Embody hatred. Tell the world of hate. Tap in to the mind. Then. You will realize who hates you. And who doesn't. For it differentiates the friends from the foes.

Embody heat. For it created life. Manifest its power within you. Then. You will know what feels cold. And what hellfire can do to you.

I create myself through these turmoils. Even though I feel no pain. Did you not know that I'm scared of blood? Even though I hate thoroughly. Did you not know I could love with all my heart? Even though I envince heat. Did you not know I always feel cold?

Even the fiercest monsters have their secrets. Didn't Archilles have his heel?

Something's missing, and I don't know what it is. No, I don't know what it is. At all. - John Mayer - Something's Missing.

Turncoat.

Somehow. I go unnoticed. I go unscathed. I go unsighted. I go undisrupted. I go undisturbed. I go unavenged. I go forgotten. Somehow. I do not like that. And so. In view of recent events. I will have to make some changes in my life. I will close my door. I will kick the old lady crossing the street. I will close the door when the lady tries to rush in. I will burst the happy kid's balloon. I will destroy the young girl's dream. I will terminated inferior life forms. If I can't get noticed being a nice guy. I will be noticed by not being one. The difference between a mindless murderer and me? A mindless murderer feels nothing when he kill something. I, on the other hand. Will feel joy. A mindless murderer commits the murder of the body. Yet I, aim to destroy the heart and the mind. I will re-live anti-sociality. I will embody hatred. I will embrace death.

Thus, the old Nicholas is now dead. Don't be tricked by my calm and concerned appearance. Its only a facade. Its inner-self will hides its darkness. Though I cannot be who I am outside, I will live it inside. If one kills someone by thinking it. I've murdered the masses.

You can try to touch me. Yet I will not respond. You can try to reason with me. Yet to no avail. You can try to love me. Yet those who do not understand this, cannot understand love.

I'm only happy when it rains. I'm only happy when its complicated. I only listen to sad sad songs. I know you can't appreciate it. I'm only happy when it rains. - Happy When it Rains.

Oh Mon'.

My testicles deserve to be slit open at the scrotum and testicles left to dangle until they slowly let down to the floor and are dragged around when I walk. My penis should also be julienned and fried in 400 degree Celsius oil, then fed to the hippos. Now that's what I deserve, although it didn't happen to me.

For one, I have been spending way too much money. Going out and going out. Eating and playing and eating and playing as though money was free. And tomorrow, I'm going with Kenny and Cassy to spend a hundred bucks at Bugis Village. Goodness. And I still haven't found a way to tell Mom and Dad that I'm staying over at Cassy's. God I'm Fucked. And I have to get a laptop. Goodness.

And second, I've been three timing. Although only Cassy knows this. One Am. One X.H. And One Rain. Stupid question to which I will choose. Question is, which would actually like me? Like any of them know me very well like that. And, this happens not to be a yesterday affair. This has been going on for quite some time.

Now don't I deserve all that was mentioned in the first paragraph?

The sight of maple leaves gradually falling to the ground resemble my thoughts for you.
I light a candle, in hope of warming up the cold of my final autumn.
The horizon brightens,
The winds brush against my face,
My love for you turns into fallen leaves,
But still there’s no way I can see your face again.

The sight of maple leaves gradually falling to the ground resemble my thoughts for you.
Why did I only start trying when winter comes?
My love transcends through time.
Two streaks of tears that source from the end of fall.
Let love seep right into the ground,
All I want is you by my side again. - Chorus of "Feng" - By Jay Chou.

Tell Me Good.

Its hard to force it down that God loves you during hard times. Even now. I have problems believing that myself. Everyone has their own problems. And we each have our own way of solving it. I feel that's also what makes us unique. I feel that there is little love in left in the world. The closest person to you is also the one whose sword, takes the least time to reach you, and hits you the hardest.

That's why I guess I remain that few can say that they are my friend, because, how much could you possibly know about me? I favour pain, and thus endurance. Its just like me to throw on an extra load on my back, or squeeze the blood out of the wound. Inflict more pain, to feel the burn. To belittle the present pain that I carry.

It doesn't always work out well. I remember the time when I tore my ligament. I limped home, and started massaging it. It was painful. I thought it was all worth it. Until the doctor told me," You massaged it, and it swelled. I just drew out 75ml of fluid from it." Smacked into reality. I aggravated the injury for it to worsen by approximately 3 times worse than it should be.

We will always face diffculties in life.

Rain, If your family doesn't support you, stand strong, plant your feet firmly into the ground. Its ok to cry. If your family doesn't support you, God will. If you don't believe God does? I do. Its their loss anyway, if they don't treasure you.

The roses in her hand cried for help as she gripped them tighter and tighter. The little pony moaned, creaked and groaned as if tortured under her immense weight. - Free Descriptive

Brotherhood.

During the short moments of the past days, I've watched 300 and Stomp the Yard. It makes me realize how much I didn't cherish my brothers. "Can you raise your shield? Can you raise it up high enough to protect your fellow Spartans' neck? The neck is our only weak point. In the Spartan army, the soldier next to you watches your back. You defend him, as he defends you. You have a good thrust, but I cannot let you join my army," said King Leonidas. Are not brothers like that? you fight, but you also watch the next person's back. "Its not about you. Its about us. We are a team. Its about the team." DJ's brother said that. He said it before he died on the way back from the battle. Its not so much about being the playa. Its about being a playa with the team. I'll try to put more on the team, when I play soccer, basketball or dota.

I've been going out with Cassy and Kenny a lot lately. They act like a couple, even though they are not. Save holding hands. Actually. I feel good for them. I detest the way Godwin handles Cassy. He treats her like trash. For goodness sake, If you don't like her, don't make her put up with you shit. I think you're an asshole. Maybe not. But from the way I see it? You are a perfect one.

You know I don't care if Kenny goes with Cassy. But somehow Cassy's bubbles reminds me of Rain. I think when you frown you remind me of her. It pains to see her so near, yet so far. Its irritating, heart-aching and noob. Its all about her. Its depressing, demoralizing. Cassy's question was, "Have you tried asking her out?" My reply was like this, "Don't need la. Its a Confirm no." Sad, sad, sad and true. For her, its like, "huh?"

Cassy, thanks for getting me that rock and repairing someones earrings for me. I really appreciate having you as a friend. Even though I always tease you and you always act cute, I think I can safely say I can say you understand what it feels like to be in love with a wooden plank. Thanks. Any piece of advice I can give you? Follow your heart. If your heart is confused? Follow your heart still. Its better living a life without your favourite stuff, than living without love. Don't regret when you turn back on yesterday.

Kenny, I don't blame you for being an atheist. Although we have our likes and dislikes, Its better not to be open to it. Don't say Muhammad is a noob in front of a Muslim. Likewise. I hope even if we have our differences, we don't let it come in between us. If you don't know, I hate Malays. But I try not to go around and tell every Malay I hate him right?

Something came up. It always does. Everytime I get used to my fucked up situation in life. Someone has to come in and fuck it up all over again. I asked you. You took a whole month to respond. Its not your fault. I know. But I can't really say I love you all the same. Can I? After all, I been given one whole month to think about it. Love is an impulse, my dear. Its a chance. Its an opportunity. you let it out loose. I might just never return, you might not even see each other again.

A Friend's Love says: " If you ever need anything, I'll be there."
True Love says: " You'll never need anything; I'll be there." - Rain's Blog

Rain, you cannot imagine how much I want to say to you, " You'll never need anything; I'll be there."

The Marketing Theory - Nick's Hypothesis

There will ALWAYS be someone who buys your product, if you give them a good deal. Take Shit for example. Your advertisement says that if you buy my packet of shit, I'll give you free toilet paper, and it only costs one cent. People WILL NOT buy your shit because it gives free toilet paper. But, your shit still sells. Not good. Not good at all. However, it DOES sell. Why? There will ALWAYS be someone looking for what you are selling. They do not refer to advertisements and stuff because the GENUINELY want to buy shit. Therefore, they buy the packet of shit. Your product DOES NOT sell because of the incentives it gives, such as high quality toilet paper.

Likewise, the IT training programe that I am selling at the IT fair is of the highest grade you can find, it gives unthinkable incentives. But why doesn't it sell? Because people at the IT fair DO NOT need IT training and the people who want IT training DO NOT go to the IT fair to look for it. I wonder how Peter does his job. For the amount of good stuff you tell me about the company and its ONE PASS, You put it on air on the screen. You make a million dollars over night.

"Lucky Draw~! Lucky Draw~! Lucky Draw~!" - Three young girls who act like triplets at the IT Fair.

Hi. Buy my $88 of Crap.

I thought about today. I didn't want to, sort of, spoil your mood at the food court today. You told me, endure, and benefits would befall later. Suffer first, enjoy later. I so felt like telling you, " Cass, Wake Up. This is not a fairy tale. Doesn't mean that you suffer now you will reap the benefits. There are some things that are real, good. Others are just suffering and more sufferings. Theres no pot of gold for finding the end of the rainbow. Not every cloud has a silver lining. Not saying that it doesn't happen. It does, but its rare." I didn't want to shake you, so I restrained. This is my side of the story.

I saw Rain today. She looked ravishing. As usual. We said hi. I had to drag Cassy all the way there just to pluck up courage to meet her. Thanks Cassy~! Treat you another drink for that.

I may not give you a good life. We might not be happy. But I swear over my pride : I will try my best.

"Eh. Hellooooo~~!" - Rain

I will not fall in love again. My heart will remain true to one. And one alone. Grrr.

Melody...

Its amazing to know how jealous you can get. You can turn green and see other people having things you don't. Knowing things that you don't. Getting things that you don't. Being people you can only dream about. Have I wasted 3 years of my teen hood on someone that couldn't possibly care? Am I going to regret 3 years of study on something that I chose on impulse? I hate myself. I really do. Why am I so fucked up? Screw it. I'm going to jump soon. I'm 17.28983 times more a burden, than a comfort, joy and a friend I'll ever be.

Its also amazing to know that god couldn't care less either. Its like, You've put bread on my table for 16 years. Ya. So? You don't pay special attention to me. You don't care. You pay the same amount of attention to the birds on the streets. You feed them. What do you care? You don't talk to me.you don't even bother. I've tried. I've given up continuing. You answered my prayer 3 years later. Did it matter? If a guys prays for world peace, gives up hope, and get killed by terrorists, and 3 years later, you make peace in the world. Does it matter to the dead guy? What good does he get out of it. From what you know, he could be in hell for his wrongdoings. Does it matter to him?

Life Sucks Big Time. Its sad when you're 17 and having totally no social life. The people in church, I can safely say DON'T CARE. I'm not their friend. I'm just a person. And it seems like its my own fault. Its sad but I can't cry. Its painful but theres no blood. I think I should go mutilate myself.

Stop this train. I wanna get off and go home again. I can't take the speeding smoothing in. I know I can't. But honestly, wont someone stop this train? - John Mayer

When I heard that you were coming, I panicked, I thought, What would you think if you saw me like this. When I heard you were not, I felt sad, I thought, I'll never have a chance like this again.When I thought about it, I said, its just more time for me to change. Then I thought, Its time.